Monday, August 15, 2011
Waiting for Time to Go By
I am waiting for other people to do what they are supposed to do, so I can do what I want to do with the next season of my life.
I am waiting for my plans to start to fall into place.
I am waiting for time to go by.
I am not liking these feelings of having to wait at the leisure of some one who is certainly not making his own decisions future mindfully. I do not like this feeling that my life is put on hold because of the actions (or lack of action) of another, and am finding that I am feeling trapped and that decisions about what I want to do with my life are not being respected by a certain person in my world.
That person is trying to manipulate me, and is trying to tell me that he is the one being manipulated. I realize this is not unusual behavior for a teenage boy, but it is causing me some serious triggering! Then I find myself feeling very tense, and either withdrawing in flight mode, or going into fight mode! Neither are healthy options. I find myself questioning my options and my general abilities to parent this particular human being.
I am working through the process of this season of change. It is not happening to my liking, or in my time frame, and I am excited to get along to the next part of things for all of us! But again in my life, someone else's poor and selfish decisions are ending up costing me.
They are costing me my time, my life energy, my emotional security, my freedom.
It is just another season in my life. I am shifting gears, and working on using this time to work on some of my other areas of growth, like asking for help, seeking counsel from certain responsible and loving people, while trying not to feel foolish for not just knowing what I am supposed to do with this parenting situation (especially since my logical side knows that is not true!).
I am trying not to live in the feelings of abandonment that have been a part of my for so long I am not exactly sure of their origin at this time. I am trying to not let my false feelings of anxiety and inadequacy have any foot hold, I just recognize their presence, and ask them to go sit quietly in the corner since they seem to have no intention of leaving at this time, or providing reasonable assistance.
I am trying to keep going about the business of my life. Doing my household chores, and going to the gym, and taking photographs, and going to work, and eating healthy food, and planning my next season. Organizing my space so it feels safe and comfortable for me.
And I wait. I wait for options to become clear to me. I wait for the stars to align in a syzygy. I wait for other people to take the necessary actions ... I know that all of this season of lesson learning, waiting and growing ... as long as I do not allow anger and bitterness and resentment to take up lodging, will all propel me forward in the next season of my life and provide additional foundations for me to deeply and openly ...