Sunday, May 19, 2013

Heartfelt Venting ... I just had to get a little of it OUT of my system!

I miss writing.

I was reminded of a post I wrote when my Father-In-Law passed away in February 2011 ... A Legacy, Leaving . I think it is one of the best things I have written in a long time, and encourage you to take a moment and read it, and perhaps you can be that person for someone in your life!

I re-read it this morning, and cried ... not only for the feelings and memories that it brought up regarding his impact on my life, but for the eloquence with which I expressed it, and how much I LOVE to write with such depth and feeling!

That is what being an artist is about! Expressing thoughts and feelings in ourselves, and in others! I love to experience that expression when I sing, when I crochet, or design, or photograph, and share my art with others! It is a compulsion! I have to do it, or it will die inside me, and then a little piece of me dies with it!

I love this song by Nic Cowan ... Reno It really speaks to me about having the soul of an artist ... because that is something deep in me, but has been so squelched by life, but my culture, by the necessity of earning a paycheck and being able to support a family. And it makes me so SAD today! Because I want to CREATE!

I long to bring life to the music, and the pictures, and the crochet designs inside my head and my heart! I long be able to share them with other people, and inspire and encourage them! Move them. Make them FEEL something! anything. I want to play outside and blow bubbles, and listen to the trees share their wisdom. I want to feel the world with my entire body! I want to be able to hear it with more than my ears! I want to walk barefoot in the grass and feel the warm summer rain on my skin.

I get anxious and I get sad and frustrated that my current employment not only does not allow me the time to explore and create and share my art, but in so many ways actually dampens my creative side! I feel trapped. I feel stifled. What I get paid to do is rote, mundane, and frankly, boring for me.  I get scared that my creativity will shrivel up and die, right along with my health as my employment is also totally sedentary. My health is showing signs on that! I have developed edema in my ankles! YUCK! My hip hurts more all of the time from sitting so much! I have lost strength. I have lost drive and motivation, and passion for LIVE! I have developed a negative complaining attitude. I cry a lot, for seemingly no reason, but really those cries feel like grief ... grief for the loss of my free spirit! Grief for the loss of my very spirit. Grief that I am trading my life and healthy and spirit for a paycheck!

Thank you for reading my blog! Thank you for commenting, and sharing your thoughts and experiences! When you connect back with me, I can feel you! It feels less like I am just sending my words out into the great wide web to be lost and alone.

Expressing is a great blessing, even when it is hard emotions. Life isn't all up beat and bubbles! Life is up and down and road blocks! To get through them, around them, to express them and share them with others that might be having similar experiences is ...

Living Well!
Love,
Suzi~Q