Living Well

Growing and Healing Everyday

2011-10-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

I was at a retreat this weekend with my Codependent support group.

Two good sessions Saturday morning. One on meditation. The other o
n family of origin.

I was walking at the beach Saturday afternoon, and took this picture ... I was hoping to figure out how to post a blog article on the fly, but it did not work the way I thought it would ... Good thing I was able to save it, then edit and transfer it when I got home! I think this method needs some further research and practice!

At the beach, and at the entire retreat, I was taking it all in. Waiting for my "Ah! Ha!" moment. Listening to the waves against the rocks, the wind, a plane overhead. Feeling the autumn sun on my skin as the breeze lifted my hair. I did have a couple of self-revelations ... one is regarding my fierce need to be strong, and not seen as weak. The other is in regard to looking forward in my life ... My recovery lies in my future, not in my past!

The ocean (or in this case the salt water of Puget Sound) is a hypnotic and meditative place for me. A gull glides on the unseen current of the moving air so effortlessly. Unconstrained by any other schedule than the seasons. Unaffected by human emotions. Free from the anxieties of acceptance. Living and welcoming every moment and experience that God grants.

Saturday night, I built a fire, and we wrote on paper, things that we want and need to release from our lives. We read them out loud,a nd crumpled them up and threw them in the fire! GONE ... Burned up ... Carried away in the smoke, to the heavens!

And this piece of metal in the picture I took at the beach... It drew me. It appeals to me. It is more than it appears ... With its batina rubbed away in some areas, there is a hint of hidden beauty ... Which in and of itself us beautiful to me, and reminds me what a subjective thing it is to ...

Live Well!

Love as always,
Suzi-Q

Share your thoughts and comments below if you please!

Down the Road a Piece

2011-08-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Small Steps Strung Together Make the Journey. The journey of growing as a woman and human, is a lifetime process, it is a constant lifestyle change, it is explored and discovered one step at a time. Some steps are small baby steps; some are stepping back; some a steady stride forward; and some are huge leaps, of faith perhaps, or epiphany.

My life time of baby steps, in regard to my health and fitness and weight issues, were dramatically propelled forward in 2005 when I made a major life decision that severely reduced the level of controllable stress in my life. It was with that decision that I discovered how stress causes me to gain weight, no matter how well I am eating or how much I am moving! Since that initial 30 pounds dropped off, I have never looked back, and have been on a lovely path of learning and discovering how my body responds to various situations and foods and activities. Six years later, and I can share that I have lost almost 60 pounds, and kept it off. It has been a slow and constant process of changing my life style; so much so that I have difficulty recalling specific turning points, and specific key elements. Because I have chosen this slow methodical lifestyle change process, I know that I will be able to keep the weight off, and will continue to improve my health, weight and fitness.

Similarly goes my process of healing heart and mind. It seems the more I heal and grow, the more I understand about what I need to focus on to continue to heal and grow. Much like the layers of an onion, the removal of one layer reveals the next, and often prompts the shedding of tears. With the guidance and comfort of God above, and a support system of friends, family, counselor and support group, I move forward a little more each day. They are there for me, but only when I pursue and enlist their connection.

I find that my logical side is much more on board with this process, and that my heart/emotional side still holds some scared and hesitant postures. Baby steps again. My logical side reassures that timid side of my self, that painful as it maybe, it is necessary to face some things, and that once through the pain, we will be more whole, and more actualized. I have discovered in my self that the more uncomfortable something is to face, the more important it usually is.

Everyday I try to make choices and decisions that best help me to move forward with my life and healing. Healing my heart. Healing my body. Being WHOLE and being authentic. Some days it just happens easily and naturally, and other days it is a very methodical and conscience behavior that I have to monitor, other days it is a train wreck, to learn from. It is a lifestyle choice to be whole, to be in tune with one self, there for it is a journey, not a destination.

It is the process itself that helps us to be whole and ...

Live Well!
Love,
Suzi~Q

Waiting for Time to Go By

2011-08-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

I am waiting.

I am waiting for other people to do what they are supposed to do, so I can do what I want to do with the next season of my life.

I am waiting for my plans to start to fall into place.

I am waiting for time to go by.

I am not liking these feelings of having to wait at the leisure of some one who is certainly not making his own decisions future mindfully. I do not like this feeling that my life is put on hold because of the actions (or lack of action) of another, and am finding that I am feeling trapped and that decisions about what I want to do with my life are not being respected by a certain person in my world.

That person is trying to manipulate me, and is trying to tell me that he is the one being manipulated. I realize this is not unusual behavior for a teenage boy, but it is causing me some serious triggering! Then I find myself feeling very tense, and either withdrawing in flight mode, or going into fight mode! Neither are healthy options. I find myself questioning my options and my general abilities to parent this particular human being.

I am working through the process of this season of change. It is not happening to my liking, or in my time frame, and I am excited to get along to the next part of things for all of us! But again in my life, someone else's poor and selfish decisions are ending up costing me.

They are costing me my time, my life energy, my emotional security, my freedom.

It is just another season in my life. I am shifting gears, and working on using this time to work on some of my other areas of growth, like asking for help, seeking counsel from certain responsible and loving people, while trying not to feel foolish for not just knowing what I am supposed to do with this parenting situation (especially since my logical side knows that is not true!).

I am trying not to live in the feelings of abandonment that have been a part of my for so long I am not exactly sure of their origin at this time. I am trying to not let my false feelings of anxiety and inadequacy have any foot hold, I just recognize their presence, and ask them to go sit quietly in the corner since they seem to have no intention of leaving at this time, or providing reasonable assistance.

I am trying to keep going about the business of my life. Doing my household chores, and going to the gym, and taking photographs, and going to work, and eating healthy food, and planning my next season. Organizing my space so it feels safe and comfortable for me.

And I wait. I wait for options to become clear to me. I wait for the stars to align in a syzygy. I wait for other people to take the necessary actions ... I know that all of this season of lesson learning, waiting and growing ... as long as I do not allow anger and bitterness and resentment to take up lodging, will all propel me forward in the next season of my life and provide additional foundations for me to deeply and openly ...

Live well!
Love
Suzi~Q

In My Space

2011-07-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

I made a map today. A map of my apartment, according to the most basic Feng Shui grid principals as shared in this article.

I am happy to report that without even knowing it, I feel certain energies I am already utilizing many of my spaces somewhat correctly. Please keep in mind that I previously knew nothing about what energies belong in what quadrants. I only understood that the living space is divided into 9 equal spaces, and each one represents a different element.

First, my bedroom occupies the relationship/romance quadrant of the grid!

Second, the room I am intending to turn into a little photography studio/office is in the wealth quadrant!

Third, there is a nice area in the living room that is the knowledge quadrant. I already have a William Shakespeare print on that wall! I have always envisioned that space as my "library", and while I have not used it that way for a couple of years, I was thinking of moving my bookshelves back over there. Now I know for sure that I will!

Fourth: I don't use the space off my kitchen as a dining room, but I really like to be in that space! It where I go when I am writing my blog, or working with my photos, or planning things. As it turns out, this space (fittingly) is the helpful people/travel quadrant. No wonder I feel so comfortable there! Travel is SUCH a desire for my life!

There are many quadrants that will really need some focus.

I think most glaringly, my career quadrant needs some major attention!! This space also happens to be where my front door is (but we never use the front door because the building lists and the door sticks and is a major pain to open) hm ... telling isn't it??? And that space is where the cat box currently is, because I don't use that entry way, so the box is out of the way, and I don't have to interact with the mess constantly.

But now I know what directions I want and need to go with those spaces and activities =) Now I need to start rolling up my sleeves, and getting busy, and just focusing on one space at a time.

I am interested in how these changes will help to me continue to grow and ...

Live Well!!
Love as Always,
Suzi~Q

A Taste of My Childhood Summers

2011-07-20T13:48:00.001-07:00


Sunday afternoon I picked almost four cups of the huckleberries and tiny strawberries that grow wild around my better-half's home on five wooded acres. Monday I made a big bowl of oatmeal and put some of those fresh berries on it for my breakfast! The rest got nibbled away! One of my favorite tastes of summer. JQ's youngest son helps me pick the wild berries that grow everywhere, salmon berries, huckle berries, strawberries, blackberries, and pie cherries. We have a lot of fun putting together yummy things to eat. Pies, jam, on ice cream, just to eat, with cream cheese on a bagle. Life tastes good in the summer! Reminds me that I an every season ... LIVING WELL! Love, SuziQ

It's All Value Added

2011-07-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Things like artistic talents can be rather "use it or loose it" in nature.

I have to share that I am recently struggling to feel good and useful and productive with my "not at my job" time. In the work world, it is called non-value added time ... LOL

I do all kinds of busy and good things, but at the end of the day, do I REALLY feel like I have been productive in the direction of the goals that I say I have set for myself? Lately, no.

If I am NOT taking definitive action toward the goals I have in my head, then that tells me they are not deeply seated in my heart ... So, maybe I need to explore that, and think about what the hang-up really is. Is it a fear of success? I know that sounds strange, but really, once you have shown the world what you are really capable of, the bar gets raised, and more is expected of you ... No ... that is not the case for me ...

For me it is fear of rejection and failure. What if i put myself out there, and no one likes my art? What if i invest my time and effort, and get rejected, and no one buys it?

My logic knows that is not the case! I have sold pieces in the past! And people often tell me how good my work is ... but yet I still struggle with this deep seated voice of tenativeity (ya, I think I'm making up words again), hesitancy, apologetic for my talents and abilities ... WHY? Really??? What do I have to apologize for? I have God given talents! The only thing that I ought to apologize for is not utilizing and developing them over the course of my life!

Now, I recognize that these are temporary and resolvable feelings. I have recognized them, and can take sensible and definitive steps to change what I am doing, and therefore, bring myself back in alignment with the feelings I desire to have. It is within my power (and honestly, my responsibility) to control.

If you are familiar with the biblical Parable of the Talents (which, ironically for our time, was a denomination of currency at the time of the story), you will recall that 3 people were given responsibility over some coins by their master in his absence. It is a simple story. A man who is preparing to leave on a journey entrusts his possessions to his servants. He distributes his wealth among three servants, according to their abilities. To the first he entrusted five talents, to the second two talents, and to the third one talent. The first two servants put their master's money to work. The third servant did not invest his master’s money at all; he dug a hole in the ground and buried it. When the master returned, the first two eagerly met their master, apparently delighted in the opportunity to multiply their master’s money. Both were commended as “good and faithful servants”; both were rewarded with increased responsibilities in their master’s service; both were invited to share in their master’s joy.

The master’s dealings with the third servant is a very different matter. This servant came to his master with only the talent his master had originally entrusted to him. He did not increase his master’s money at all. In fact, if this were to take place today, that money would likely be worth less, due to inflation. This servant offered a feeble excuse for his conduct. He told his master that he was a harsh and cruel man, a man who was demanding, and who expected gain where he had not labored. He contended that this is why he was afraid to take a risk with any kind of investment. And so he simply hid the money, and now he returned it, without any gain. The master rebuked this slave for being evil and lazy. He took his talent from him, gave it to the one who earned ten, and cast this fellow out.

So ... What is my story ...? I was once the third servant, then discovered the error I was making, and became the second ... My current desire is to be more like the first servant ...

Really, it's not that I am actually wasting time, it's just that I could be more focused at using my time and efforts toward the accomplishment of my goals. Now I feel (again) like I can (and ought to) make a schedule to help me to get focused, and use my time wisely and productively so that my talents are utilized wisely and productively toward advancing my goals. I can schedule my entire day ... from the moment that I wake till bedtime. I think that it is important to make sure that I include scheduling my quiet time as well, otherwise I will take quiet time for me, and it will again, throw off the necessary responsibilities. My schedule out to include, but not be limited to: time for going to the gym, and my paying job, and housework, and errands, and JQ time, and personal care time (gotta keep the gray covered, right girls!??), reading, crochet, my photography. As I begin to regain control of the time that has been given to me, I may have to kind of micro manage my time until I get a balance that feels right and natural. I have had to do a similar program with my budget, as discussed in a previous post!

I have talked about this with you before, that I am a list maker. Sometimes I get away from it a little bit, not never altogether. Recently my list making has just not been guiding my routine, which is ok

Using my time and my talents productively help me to really feel and see that I am ... Living Well!

Please share your comments below! I love hearing from you! It encourages me to keep sharing, and encourages me to dig a little deeper which helps me everyday to ...

Live Well!

Love to you all!

Suzi~Q

Two Coins in the Fountain

2011-07-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Just a little update on my financial planning...

I have made some adjustments to my budget again, as I do every 3-4 months. I am going to try something that I have not done in a long time ... I am giving myself a cash allowance each pay day, to cover my gas and groceries, and anything that is not a bill. No more shopping with the debit card ... cash only, and when it's gone, it's gone. Right now, that is a very limited amount ... $50 a week. This is going to challenge my creative side as far as cooking goes ... out comes the crock pot again. Good thing I'm a coupon and sale shopper, and eat pretty light for the most part. This might even encourage me to walk to work at least one day a week, or not come home for lunches (since it is only one mile, I usually don't feel guilty about that!!)

Years ago, I created a wonderful spreadsheet, with great formulas! I enter my hourly wage, hours worked each pay period, and it calculates my approximate pay check! Then I have a list of each of my bills, and the amount due each month, which then pops a total into the formula with the pay check info, and tells me how much allowance I get to have =) I am hoping that I will be able to make better headway with my debt reduction in this manner! We shall see how it goes!

I also want to explore some passive income opportunities, preferably something that includes my photography art! I have heard of a couple of web sites where one can have photos made into calendars and such ... Yet again, another potential opportunity to explore as I work on financially ...

Living Well!
Love you as ever
Suzi~Q

Two Tickets to Paradise

2011-07-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have had several opportunities to travel recently, and I have discovered, again, that it is something that I really enjoy!

I love the airport!

I love flying.

I love the view above the clouds!

I wish I could figure out a way to make traveling a regular part of my life … for business, for pleasure, for exploring, for development!

I have a friend that travels all over the world doing work with humanitarian organizations, and his stories of meeting the local people and helping communities, and helping local agencies bring services to underserved areas is so inspiring to me! I can feel in my heart a sort of calling … though I know not what that will look like at this time.

I have also discovered that I have plenty of room to improve as a good traveler! I am hoping that the next few years bring me many opportunities to improve my packing and planning skills! And to further research new techniques!

I recently went on vacation to Hawaii with JQ and his brother and sister-in-law. While there are many other destinations that require longer travels, 6 hours is a long time to sit unable to move around much.

Things I learned and decided about this flight:

1. Check to see if the airline provides and food, without charge (usually not)! Pack a little lunch if necessary! OK … you can’t take just anything past security these days that is for sure, but you can bring non liquid snacks from home, and even buy things at the shops while you wait for your flight! That is a long flight with only a 60 calorie snack pack of crackers and a soda! LOL

2. Bring something to do on the plane! Read a book, or journal, or games to play with my sweetie! We did buy magazines at one of the shops, and I had my laptop, so I was able to open it and work on some writing projects. This was good! Keeping those items accessible under the seat in front of me is very helpful.

3. Bring a neck pillow, or in my case, I have a ROHO cushion that sure would have been good for me to be able to sit on! Sitting that long, and unable to do much repositioning, sure was hard on my bad hip!

4. Pack light, and save room for the souvenirs!

a. When traveling to the Hawaiian Islands, I mostly wear my swim suits and sarongs with flip-flops, for beach and casual wear. Shorts or capris w/ light weight cute tops, and sandals or flip-flops for exploring. One nice outfit for that last night dinner at Duke’s! Keep it simple and easily mix and match. I did utilize my yoga pants and top every morning for yoga on the beach! Ahhhh … That was so grounding.

b. The humidity is brutal on my hair, so I don’t leave it down much, so is my curling iron and hair dryer really necessary? I think not! A couple of cute hair clips … Those banana ponytail holders are great! A solid snood with a pick to secure it in place.

I had to make my first trip to Montana as an emergency when my daughter went into pre-term labor. I did not pack as well as I would have liked! The most important thing that I discovered is that I forgot my camera! Me. The family photographer, that goes nowhere without my camera! And I did not show up at one of the most important moments in my daughter’s life with my camera! I will not beat myself up over this, but I will comment on it a few times so that I retain the huge lesson learned! I also learned a lot about fling on small planes!

1. My rolling carry-on is the perfect size for packing light and my laptop and camera fit in it! It, however, does not fit in the overhead bins. But, with a little wriggling it does slide nicely under the seat ahead of me, which is fine as long as I am only packing for a short trip, such as the last two. I have decided that going forward, I will just put my suitcase in the “ala-cart”, and carry-on my laptop and camera in my brief case.

The next trip to Montana was planned for my daughter’s birthday, so it went so much better!

1. I was able to read, and take pictures out the window, and journal. I brought a movie to watch, but forgot my head phones since I did not bring my brief case, and was not up for spending the airport shop prices, so that stayed in the bag. I bought some headphones at Wal-Mart before my return, but my seat mate had me a little crowded, and I did not feel comfortable wriggling the laptop out. Again, I think that if I had utilized my brief case, it would have been easier to access.

2. Is it bad to talk to people on the plane? Funny story about the trip from Seattle … my seatmate got in trouble from his woman for chatting with me! We were chatting and laughing about the noises small planes make, and wondering if there were a couple of chainsaw motors strapped to the top of the plane! Or if someone had would the rubber band too tight … Ugly sideways stares were shooting across the isle! If it weren’t for the fact that she was sitting with her 8 year old daughter, I would have changed seats with her, so she was sitting with him. As it was, I told him I did not want him to get in any more trouble for having fun, so we did not talk much after that! But did share a parting smile upon disembarking. My return trip seat mate had a “do not disturb” vibe emanating loudly from her, so I tried as best as I could to not disrupt that.

3. I got a huge abscess in my armpit and had to go to the doctor while there … they wanted to do an incision and drainage, but I work in a wound care center, and I have no interest in having an open wound made in my armpit … while on a trip 900 some odd miles from home. They put me on antibiotics, and said they would send chart notes to my primary doc back home, and I promised that if it was not clearing up that I would follow up with my PCP when I got home. I wont go into details, but it did drain on it’s own, and I took all of my antibiotics, and kept a clean dressing on the abscess until it was no longer draining or showing any signs of an opening. What did I learn from this?? It is very important to have a list of any medications or vitamin supplements you take in your wallet with your health insurance information! I only have one Rx, so it’s not so bad, but I also take quite a few vitamin supplements, and an out of town doc or pharmacist would not have access to that information … incase of negative interactions.

So much more to learn! Sure do hope that I have many many more opportunities to work on this! I think traveling helps me to …

Live Well!

Love Suzi~Q

STOP and Smell the Roses (or the rhododendrons)

2011-06-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Challenge for the day ... To seek out a bug and watch it do it's job for a while.

This is not a new thing for me to do ... I love bugs, and I remember many hours when my kids were small, studying bugs! I though one of the boys was going to be an entomologist! We had many one gallon terrariums with all kids of little critters habitating in them.

It has been a gloriously beautiful spring day in the Pacific Northwest! A welcome treat after the coldest April on record, and I believe the wettest May!

The plus side to the drizzly weather that we have had is that our native plant life is really LOVING it ... especially when followed with a couple days of sun as a treat! The rhododendrons and azaleas are blooming like I have not seen them in many many years! They are just so beautiful! So I decided to take a walk down the street to a little park. The hill across from my home is quite steep, and there is a lovely patch of happy butter cups swaying in the breeze.

Laying in the grass, and photographing up the hill gives a fun texture and perspective.

The air is fresh, and the drone of lawn mowers buzzing in the back ground is quite hypnotic. I could lay in the grass and nap ... I can't even watch the clouds go by, as there isn't one to be seen for miles!

The sun shines clement on my shin, and I welcome it's penetrating warmth. May as well revel in it as we may only have it a few days before it leaves us with a parting kiss of rain, again.

I staked my spot near a bright pink rhododendron in the sun, and right away saw and heard the humming of the busy little bees.

The fat and fluffy little bundles collecting pollen, flit in and out of each bright and welcoming challis of the tidy bouquets God has arranged via this genius plant! It is amazing to me that each blossom is uniform, but just as unique as each human ever created, or each snowflake! How can someone simply walk past such beauty, without ever stopping to ponder the perfect design?

I have no idea the name of this beauty of a blossom, and while there were no bees gracing her delicious colors, my camera begged to capture her forever.

Up close with plant life, and getting different perspectives on things is my interest when behind the camera. While I do like to photograph people, I do struggle with taking up a lot of their time posing and trying different things until I get the shot I like. I have been the one in front of the camera ... It can be a very tiresome role (though I do have fun with it when I get the chance!).

It was pretty shaded ... but I did happen to spot this little ant wandering around taking care of his chores!

Love the story of the Ant and the Grasshopper ... One of my favorites!

Photographing the bees is fun, but very challenging, as they do not stay still for long. Just about the time my camera gets a good focus, they are off to the next sip of nectar! I guess that is where that saying "busy as a bee" comes from! So true, so true!!

On my way back home, I happen to spot this tiny little any wandering down the street ... If you can see it in this picture, then I give you kudos! I am blessed and amazed that my vision is as good as it is at 43 that I can spot an ant on the road out of the corner of my eye while walking!! Both of my parents, and my brother, all have had heavy optical prescriptions as long as I can remember.

Home again, I breathe deep of the clean country air that I live so near to. I like my little town. It feels safe here. The business community working together with the city and the citizens to build a growing and lasting community.

I ponder back on the events of my day, and the past week. I feel enriched through the challenges that I have faced. I feel empowered by that! I am more at ease. I am more focused. I am more resolved. I am more alive!

Leaning back in the nest of buttercups, I ponder what is next. There are welcome changes on my horizon. I am ready. I am eager. I am ...

Living Well!

Love as ever,
Suzi~Q

When Life Gives You Lemons ....

2011-06-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

Not Lemons, but the colors work for me!

To every thing, there is season.

Seasons come. Seasons go.

And as human beings, we are forever in a fluid state of change. Our very makeup does not allow us to be stagnant. Even those that say they are the way they are and will never change, actually do change.

Change is not always for our betterment, however. People change by getting more angry with the world, blaming the people in their lives, more cynical, more withdrawn. Some choose that path rather deliberately. Others just find that they have slipped into that place without realizing it ... But they in fact do choose it, simply by NOT choosing another, more positive life path.

I made a choice many years ago. I refused to let the circumstances others inflicted into my life negatively determine WHO I would be. I said to myself, "I will be a better person BECAUSE of the things that have happened to me".

This has been a difficult choice to enact in my life, make no mistake. I am by no means saying that I have not been injured, or scarred by painful events in my life. I am not saying that anything has been like water off a ducks back. I am saying that I have chosen, when difficult things have come into my days to make positive use of the experience.

Even that is not easily happened! My initial reaction is often "un-lovely", and not as I would prefer. Often, I must take a few steps back, take some time, assess the perceived damage, decide what to do with this new opportunity in my life, and then decide how to use it productively in my life. For the betterment of myself, and hopefully others.

Sometimes this takes me longer than it ought to. Longer than I would like it to. Sometimes it is almost instantaneous, sometimes I can wrestle things into place with in an hour or so. The more years I do this, the more profoundly things feel for me. The more I recognize the threads that are woven to make me who I am! The more I discover who I am, the more I like who I am.

So! When life gives you lemons ... Make Lemonade!!

1 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups water
grated peel of one lemon
1 1/2 cups lemon juice (fresh squeezed is best, but the real stuff out of a bottle works too ... squeeze the lemon you grated ... might as well make use of it!)

Boil the sugar, water and lemon zest for 5 minutes. Remove from heat, add the lemon juice, and let cool.
Store in a jar in the refrigerator.
To serve, mix 1 part lemonade syrup with 3 parts of something else ... Iced Water, Sparkling Water, Club Soda (be creative, and share what you have tried!). Garnish the edge of the glass with sugar, mint sprigs, and or lemon slices! So pretty, and so yummy!

Kinda like life ... when it is purposefully ...

Lived Well!!

Love to you all!
Suzi~Q

Under My Skin

2011-05-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

I got my feelings hurt this morning.

I feel misunderstood, and judged.

I was offended.

I reacted. Not responded.

Via text message, a friend of mine informed me that a mutual acquaintance thought my profile picture was desperate and inappropriate. I thought it was fun, playful, beautiful, and sexy. Perhaps I am showing too much leg for that person's taste? Perhaps its the way I am leaning forward with my arm back?

I went through this 2 years ago when I posted pictures from my first trip to Hawaii ... "some people" were all a flutter because I shared pictures of me in a bikini! For crying out loud people! I was once a fat and frumpy person. I am not now! I am now feeling beautiful and sexy and happy. I am not chasing any one's man. I have one of my own that I am quite content with, thank you very much. Are other women so insecure with them selves that I have to curb my own self image? One that I have battled with for most of my 43 years! What would my mystery critic have done, if I had entered the Pin-Up-Girl contest at a local spring car show?

My first instinct was to crawl into a hole, and stop sharing who I am. To stop sharing my journey if it is going to be offensive to "some one". BUT!! I am not going to do that. I am proud of who I am now. I am proud of my body and how I look. While I still have much more to continue, I am currently very pleased with the lifestyle changes that I have made in order to be a healthier more fit me. I was fat and frumpy for so so so many years of my adult life, and to now be happy with the way I look is totally new for me. THIS experience is part of my journey of healing! It is just a fact of life that when we put ourselves out there, we are at times going to be shot at like ducks in the arcade shooting gallery.

I was planning to change my picture anyway to something patriotic, for Memorial Day, so I did that this morning, just for that mystery person. A photo of a lovely red white and blue wreath of flowers on a stand. I don't like the way that made me feel ... I caved. I complied. Then, I felt totally sassy about the whole thing and had to stop myself several times from making some kind of nasty sarcastic comment under my new picture ... I do not like feeling that way at all! So I changed my picture again, to something as innocuous as my sarcastic self could manage this morning, with out (again) being totally offensive to SOMEONE.

I have spent so many years trying to break down the wall that I built up around myself, and this morning, a few more bricks were put right back up again! So, back I go again to the process of breaking free of the bondages that confine my spirit, and discovering who I am, and learning to fly so that I can get back to

Living Well!
Love
Suzi~Q

It's the Small Things That Count Sometimes

2011-05-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

As you know, I have been doing the daily challenges emailed to me from https://challenge.meyouhealth.com

Today's challenge was to list 3 things from childhood or teen years that made me happy. The web site's rational is "Being an adult has its fun moments, but it can be full of responsibility and stress, too. By reliving the small events that made you truly happy, it can help you remember and appreciate the simple joys that life can offer. From here, you can keep an eye out for other small things or plan activities that can bring fun and cheer to your days." Which I agree with, and encourage you to also take a look at your youth through your new grown up eyes.

That seemed like a perfect opportunity to do a little writing this morning!!

Not all of us had totally blissful childhoods. Some of us may have to think long and hard, and search our memories for the small pieces of happiness that we have experienced. I believe that looking for those nuggets from our pasts can help us in our life long healing process, much the way a prospector pans the river for that one gold nugget that will bring him his riches.

My childhood was decent. No major calamities. No major victories. Even keel pleasant. Solid.

I was a happy baby, and had lots of family around as a little one. Some of my most fond memories are centered around various family activities; camping, BBQs, visiting out of state.

I have many happy memories of outdoor activities. Camping, hiking, fishing, river rafting, chopping fire wood, working, some with friends, some with family.

I got to play a role in our elementary school Cinderella play in the 6th grade.

I learned so much about business and money with my dad.

I learned to love literature and books.

What pleasant things are in your memories past? Don't discount them, no matter how small they are, they help you

Live Well!
Love
Suzi~Q

What's in Your Attitude?

2011-05-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

We have all heard these statements before:

Attitude is everything.

Attitude makes all the difference.

It’s not the situation, it’s how you react to it.

There are many, many, different ways of saying it, but it all boils down to the same principal, again, and again … Attitude is everything! We attract from the people in our lives, from the people we come in contact with, from God, and from the Universe, the same energy that we store in our bodies. having a positive attitude, and positive energy, even in the face of less than happy experiences helps to attract to us the support that we need to move our lives forward, and grow, and mature!

We have all met someone that was doing a job that by all common understanding, was an unpleasant job, but the person doing it had a smile on their face, and made the task go quickly. I met such a person the summer of 2010. His name is Chris. He is the deck hand on a fishing charter off the south west coast of Washington. He has been doing this job seven days a week May through September for 13 years. He loves his job, and that is evident! Because of his attitude, my first-ever-2-day ocean fishing trip was EXCELLENT! Even though I was sea sick all the first day! Having my own positive attitude was also of great benefit to the excursion. Green around the gills, and “throwing chum” over the side of the boat all that first day on the water was not a lot of fun for me, or my family! But, I just laughed, and said I was helping out the fish catching on my side of the boat by chumming the water! I kept a smile on my face, and made it through the day, and even made some people smile by cracking jokes about my own condition! And at the end of the trip, even the captain of the boat was patting me on the back for being such a good sport, and one of the best "sea-sick" passengers he's ever carried!

Even when I was almost in panic mode as I was trying desperately to get from my home town 65 miles north of the airport, to my daughter's new home town 835 miles away ... I was distraught, I was crying, I was distracted, but I still carried the Comforting Spirit of God with me. I knew in my deep grief, that in the end, all would be well. This really played out nicely for me. It helped me to dig deeper into my core, and I was able to write from my heart, in my journal as well as here. It even brought human connection into my day! The woman sitting next to me waiting for my out bound flight reached out to me, and held me in my grief, and cried with me, and prayed with me. The staff at the hospital were so genuine and open and caring. On my way home, the flight attendant reached out to me, and I was able to share with her, and even pointed her to this blog (which I hope she really did come and read!).

Some people just seem to be set on being discontent. Some people just seem to feel the need to fight for everything. Perhaps it is because they have had to fight for everything, and they don't realize they don't really need to fight any more. Perhaps they are so used to getting their way, that they have a difficult time "rolling" with whatever it is that God and the Universe bring to their day.

I have been that person at different points in my life, and can attest to having most of those attitudes mentioned above at different points and to differing degrees.

Within the last half a dozen years, I have been slowly learning to stop trying to impress my intentions, my preferences, my ideas, my values, on to the world around me. This topic can be huge for me, and these are just my thoughts on it this morning. There is much more in my heart on this subject.

For today ...

I want to encourage you today, to challenge you ...

Try,

just for this morning, or this afternoon ... the next 4-6 hour block of time that you are entering ... Focus your mind and energy on what is positive and good in your life. Focus your thoughts and energy on what you would like to create and have in your life.

Push out thoughts of what is not as you would desire.

Push out thoughts of what you do not have.

Just take it in; see what God and the Universe has for you today.

Say yes to it, especially if it is outside of your normal comfort zone. See what happens. Be open to the energy that is sent to you! Receive it! Embrace it! Practice synergy with it!

Then get out there in your world and

Live Well!!

Love Suzi~Q

Serenity & Solitude

2011-04-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

Bright and early this morning, JQ picked me up. Off to Lake Armstrong for opening day of trout fishing. His daughter and youngest son joined us. It was over cast, and a bit chilly, but a really pleasant and serene morning out on the lake.

Two hours of quietly gliding around the little lake; saying nothing; listening to the sound of the breeze in the trees and the very few birds chirping away. We saw only one eagle gliding over to land in one of the trees along the east shore. I was listening to the thoughts in my head. Trying to listen to the feelings in my heart.

God: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference!

What is this sadness that seems to be filling me these recent days? What is this veil that separates my heart and mind from each other? It has always been there really. Many many times I have made the comment that my heart and mind were arguing with each other. The two rarely seem to be on the same page for most of the last fifteen years or so. Do I need more quiet alone time to discover my true authentic self? Or less? Would I know my true authentic self if I met her? Perhaps she will introduce herself? Is she more of the quiet side of me? Or the loud busy side of me? Is she both? Is that possible? Perhaps this is a part of the process as the veil thins, and my heart and mind become reacquainted with each other.

There came a point when it was far less painful to blossom than to stay tight in the bud. Perhaps patience with who I am right now is more important to letting my true authentic self emerge, much like the slow opening of a blossom ... it cannot be rushed! The flower's true beauty will be revealed at it's own pace, and at each stage of progression, not just at full bloom. Enjoying each unfolding of the petals.

We don't have to go through things alone. Like the man in the boat across from us fishing with his dog. really, what use is the dog here? He cannot handle the net to scoop up the fish at the end of his master's line. he cannot row the boat, or direct and steer the boat with the motor. He cannot refill his owner's coffee cup, or pass him a sandwich. They will not engage in bantering conversation, or even decide who is driving home. The dog is simply a companion. They communicate; they understand each other; they love each other unconditionally.

I have begun anew this week, with a counselor that I have seen before. There is much room to grow; much room to blossom; much to mend; much to discover; much to heal. I hope that this time, I have the resources to continue with her care and guidance for an extended period of time, so that the blossom can turn to sweet juicy fruit!

Wishing you Peace and Serenity today, as you blossom into Living Well!
Love,
Suzi~Q

I might as well LAUGH!!

2011-04-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

How can something so cute, be such a mischievously destructive pain in the butt?? These are my son's cats, Oly and Skittles. I am taking care of them while he is away at school. They bring me so much extra work, they shed huge piles of fluffy white fur on my navy blue carpet .... BTW ... who in their right mind puts navy blue carpet in an apartment??? But really, I do love that I can do this for my son, so he can get a good education so he can do what he needs to do to support his future!

So the challenge I was given for today was to laugh. Which I need to do. April 2011 has been very challenging for me in so many ways. It has been the month for heart challenging relationship issues, both good and not so good, with family, and friends, and even co-workers. Things have been breaking and in need of repair, and I have even had some health issues that have required antibiotics! Crazy, emotionally taxing, financially draining, relationship straining month! Glad tomorrow is the last day ... I have very high hopes for MAY 2011!!

This is Oly (the Himalayan looking one) and Skittles, the orange one, we are trying to watch a movie ... can you tell??

One day I tossed their toys in the bathtub while I was vacuuming, and they sure thought that was a fun game! They could bat those little jingle balls around, and they came right back!

Oly gets right comfy on the back of the couch in the sunshine!

They have figured out how to open kitchen cupboards, and have spread noodles all over the place ... as well as a bag of dried navy beans one day!

They have figured out how to open the pantry cupboard and several times now they have spread all of the plastic bags all over the kitchen ... this time they knocked the doors off the tracks.

Just this week they have knocked over and broke my antique floor lamp and cleared off a window sill, breaking some little glass objects that were a gift from my aunt.

What else am I going to do, but laugh?? They have at times been locked in the bathroom for "kitty time out", but it rarely has the learning impact on them that I have intended.

So I laugh ... well, today I laugh .... Other days I cry.. Still other days I sigh ....
But always i am thankful that I can help my son, and support him in what he needs to do ... which would be finish school and take his cat's home to his house =) (laughing out loud!!!)

Love you all to pieces!
Suzi~Q

Keeping Sight of my Blessings

2011-04-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of time and energy consuming and stressful things going on in my life the last several weeks. Some big, like my daughters miscarriage. Some small, like I have not had internet connection at home for a week and a half. My washing machine is broken, and the light switch in my bathroom burned out. I need to fill out some legal paperwork, and I have some personal and learning curve challenges at work. I am fostering my son's cats while he is away at school, and one of them is quite a handful, and gets into lots of things! I need to see about a second source of income. I'm coming to the end of my youngest kids kite string. Lots of "things" that just need my attention, and are challenging me to maintain my good attitude without letting the stress rule me.

But my attitude is my attitude. I get to decide how it feels! It does not belong to the stressful situations in my life. I recently signed up and have been doing the daily challenges from MeYouHealth.com and have been really enjoying it! I would encourage you to try it out! They are all pretty simple things to do, and a lot of them you are likely already doing!

Yesterday's challenge was to share a nice picture. AWESOME!! Since I'm a photographer, I have tons of nice pictures. The challenge would be choosing one for this assignment! NOW, while I started to do this on time yesterday, I did not get to finish, since my internet at home has not been working properly! So I am finishing it this evening, and today's challenge as well (which is to dance around while cleaning or organizing! Totally got that done without even trying, cause I'm always dancing and moving!)!

So, this is the nice picture I have chosen to share! It is a rare picture of all 3 of my kids, and my son-in-law, together, with me!! It was the day I graduated from Medical Assisting school! To me it is a nice picture because I have all of my kids there witnessing their mom, who went back to college at the age of 40, graduate with honors (Yes, I know one of my kids is purposefully hiding his face behind my hat! He is a stubborn and challenging guy that way). The lesson I wanted to give my kids ... See ... don't give up your dreams. Don't stop learning. Don't ever think you are done, or too old. There is always more! You can always change your direction! It was as a proud day for me. Not only because I celebrated my educational accomplishments, but because I showed my kids that their mom is open to adventure, and not going to be a victim of her circumstances. Proud because all of my wonderful kids were with me!

What makes you proud of yourself?
What goal can you take steps toward accomplishing?
What are you currently working toward?

Love to get your comments and feed-back!

Live Well,
Love,
Suzi~Q

Unbounded Love

2011-04-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me, the vast and unbounding ability of my heart to feel deeply. The more deeply I allow myself to feel joy, the more deeply I open myself up to pain, which has the effect of further expanding my ability to feel everything!

April 1, 2011, my daughter went into pre-term labor and was hospitalized … in her new home town, 850 miles away from me!! So, I bought a plane ticket as fast as I could, and flew from Seattle to Billings to be with her, but not quite in time.

Too tiny and amazingly precious, James Peter Hicks entered this world, and left us just as quickly. My grandson. A precious and beautiful gift, his presence, though brief, created a new depth to my ability to feel. His departure created even more depth.

Her husband and I stayed in the hospital room with her. Trying to sleep. Walking the halls. Hugging, laughing, crying, sitting in silent prayer. We took turns holding James. Touching his precious tiny fingers and toes. Kissing his beautiful round head. Being amazed at the creation of life. Me being amazed at how beautiful and graceful my broken-hearted daughter has grown to be!

The hospital staff was wonderful, and created a beautiful memory box that includes impressions of his hands and feet pressed in plaster, and the traditional hand and foot ink print on paper. My daughter took several pictures with her cell phone, but my heart breaks that I did not bring my camera. Me. The family photographer at a major family event without my camera. I cannot beat myself up over this, but it sure is an important lesson for me to come away with!

I now have the beautiful opportunity to practice just being present with my daughter. I can’t fix her heart. I cannot offer wisdom. I can only love her, and hold her and be present if she thinks of something that she would like from me. Last night we laid, snuggled up, on the air mattress I’m sleeping on in her in-law’s basement. I held my grown daughter, with her head on my chest, listening to her Mommy’s heart beating. Reconnecting. Being present together in the moment. Loving. Hurting. My silent tears wetting her hair.

Healing will come for her and her husband. It did for me when I lost a baby 20 years ago. It is my hope, my prayer, and my encouragement toward them, that they will grow stronger together as a couple because of this experience. That they might be used of God some day because of this experience. That they will come to the comforting understanding that they are not alone, and that they are so deeply loved by so many people. Not the least of which is The Mommy!

That they will

Live Well,

Love Suzi~Q

Powerless or Empowered

2011-03-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

My life was so unmanageable for so many years that it was just normal for me to not sleep, and to feel stressed.

As I started moving my self away from that, and seeing that I needed to make some serious changes to keep not only me emotionally safe, but my children as well, I started seeing more and more of the chaos that we were living in.

I was trying to control things, and keep things afloat, in much the same way as bailing out a sinking boat with a dixie cup!

I was powerless to stop it! I was powerless to change anything inside that situation. I came to the point where I knew that things had to change drastically, for my sanity, for the good of my children, for a million reasons that I cannot even express.

This was my empowering moment. When I realized that it was not my responsibility to fix it. It was not my responsibility to change anything but what I was doing. It was not my responsibility to continue to accept the situation. It was the first time that I set a boundary and did not take it back down again.

I was empowered.

So many years later, I still struggle with expressing my boundaries healthily to others. I find myself withdrawing when I don't feel like I have the right voice and vocabulary to express my needs. So, I am back to being powerless, but never as powerless as before. And now I have healthy tools to help me refocus inside myself, and regroup, and rescript, and try again.

Sometimes it takes a long time to process, and sometimes it requires me bouncing words off of people that help me feel safe, until I feel empowered and comfortable with saying the newly discovered boundaries out loud.

Powerlessness to me feels like I am being controlled by my fears and anxieties.
Empowerment feels like I have found my healthy voice, and am using it to share my needs in a way that respectfully expects that they will be met. Empowerment feels to me like other people cannot hurt me because I am safe and secure in my own self, in my own feelings and understandings. Empowerment allows me to accept criticism with a positive energy, even when it is delivered negatively, and I can use that information to understand myself better, and mature myself, and nurture and grow the me that I am still becoming!

I still feel powerless more often than not, but in a much less debilitating manner than ever before in my life! And that is also empowering! Powerlessness and fear and anxiety are loosening their controlling grasp on me. They will always be part of me, part of my history. But there is no place for them in my future. I am empowered to not allow them to follow me there!

Seek out your empowerment, by being honest with yourself and facing one of your fears. Have a little conversation with it! Tell it that it no longer has place in your life! While it may linger around for a while, much the way neighbor kids do when you tell them it's time to go back to their own house, if you go on about your healthy business, and keep reminding it to leave every time you see it try to sneak closer to our healthy activities, it will eventually loose its power and go slinking off!

Be your wonderful, empowered self today in one activity! And then tell me about it, so I can cheer you on!

Live Well!
Love,
Suzi~Q

Defining a Dream

2011-03-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

I was challenged this morning to define one of my dreams. To write it down, and to put some detail with it. Thankfully, the challenge is focused on putting it in one statement, and choosing one action to move in that direction!

I have several big life goals! I want to work through my anxiety, and my codependency, and grow as a woman. I want to travel! To see beautiful places and photograph them. I want to travel and use my healthcare skills to serve people. I want to improve my photography skills! I want to sing in a band! I want to create more crochet patterns, and get my pattern book published. I want to write a book that uses my photographs and my writings to entertain and inspire people.

However, I thing that really hinders me from doing any and all of that, is financial. Therefore, my primary goal is to be debt free! I was once; before my son broke his arm, and my former husband became ill and unable to work. I worked hard, and made some huge progress, then lost my job, and went back to school, so what I had paid off was replaced with student loans, and what got added as unemployment did not quite cover my expenses. Fortunately, my debt is manageable, and I can afford to pay more than the minimum balances, and still eat! But I want it gone! It's very presence reminds me of the bondage I once lived in, and is a form of bondage in and of it self!

When I lost my job, I had to spend some time weighing the budget issues. I knew that I did not want to remain in the industry that I had spent the previous 8 years in. But I also knew that in order to return to health care I would not only have to take on student loans, but also take a significant pay cut. I knew that if I stayed in the industry that had been feeding me well, and helping me to raise my family, that I would make more money, and have more financial security, but I also knew that I had no drive or passion for it, and that it was a job, not a career. My youngest son was a junior in high school, and I knew that earning a pay check was necessary, but it was time for me to shift my focus from the pay check to my personal satisfaction. I knew that was better for my overall health ... we all know that stress is so unhealthy for our bodies, in so many ways!

My plan? 1. I have a very strict budget that I follow carefully. 2. I am very very careful with how my money is spent, and if it is not in the budget, it does not happen. 3. Funnel any extra money, such as the tax return, to debt reduction. 4. Take a second job and direct that pay check toward the debt reduction.

What are your life goals? Have you written them down? Have you defined them? Have you shared them with anyone? Tell me about one of them!

And Live Well!
Love Suzi~Q

Financial Affermations

2011-03-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

First off, I have to let you know that I CAN send little posts "via email" from my phone! The down side is that any pictures I attach do not show up, and there are a bunch of empty blank "boxes" that fill up space unnecessarily, until I can get home and delete them out! But, at least I can get the thoughts out of my head, and feel a little more productive doing it!

I told you that I was working through some new financial planning and debt reduction activities. Well, to be honest, I have been putting more thought into it than action recently! I am supposed to be keeping a notebook and doing each of the 21 daily activities in it, but I have not. I read them, and ponder them, and mull them over. But I have not documented them! Geeze! That really is part of the commitment to making the program actually work! As the country song goes, "A little less talk and a lot more action"!!

SO! The activity that I need to DO is choosing a Money Attraction Affirmation. They suggest things like :

I am free of all credit card debt.
I am living within my means.
I am happily debt-free!
I am a Money Star.
I feel secure and confident in my financial affairs.

Or making up my own.

I think I like "I have my freedom in living debt free!". So, I am supposed to say this to myself, out loud if it is an appropriate situation. Write it on a note card so I can see it. I used to be debt free. I know I will be again!

How are your financial plans? If you don't have any then I recommend that you make some! Don't think that you can just "let things work them selves out", because money does not happen that way! Have a plan. Know your plan. Be confident in your plan. Be safe in your plan!

I have counseled several friends in budgeting, and planning. I do not touch investing with a ten foot pole, that is not my area of expertise! But I know how to write and follow a budget that is so good even professional financial counselors confess to not writing them as well! My primary issue is my income level is not high enough to knock my debt down fast enough to suit me! But I have some ideas on the back burner that I hope will help resolve that element of my plans for my future!

Plan Well, so that you can
Live Well!
Love, Suzi~Q

Times are a Change'n

2011-03-21T12:25:00.001-07:00


As a follow up to my last post, I think I have discovered how to publish mini articles from my cell phone (which is not a smart phone). So this is a test run for this option discovered almost accidentally as I was finishing my previous post! I put my concern out to the universe in my last post, and before I was done an answer was returned! Had I continued to internalize and fret over my delema, I would not have found my answer! Love your input, feedback and comments! Keep em coming! Live Well!! Love Suzi~Q

Too Little Time

2011-03-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

Time. I don't have enough time. Time to excellently pursue all of my creative interests. I want to sing, and read, and write (my blog, and greeting cards for my photography, and letters, and a book!!), and photograph, and crochet, and design crochet patterns, and teach, and send care packages to my daughter (who lives 835 miles away from me now!) and to soldiers. And I want to write share all of this with the world! I have been working on my Co-Dependent recovery, but not writing and sharing that much as I had wanted and intended to, and as I had promised I would. I have been working on my budget and financial plans, and making some improvement (there is ALWAYS room for improvement!!), but have not written about it, and posted it.

I am sure there is an element of poor time-management involved. Maybe not POOR, but at least I can admit to it needing some improvement and formal organization if I am going to make sure that I get to productively touch on all of my creative interests on a regular basis!

When we were in Hawaii, I really realized that I could so totally live what i would call and artists lifestyle! Being able to move through my days, creating and sharing with other people as I am inspired, well, inspires me! Currently, I will feel inspired or have a creative burst of energy at the most inopportune moments! Say, right in the middle of clinic! I cannot just stop what I am doing and pull out my lap top and start writing! Sometimes I can slip into the bathroom and send myself a text or a voice message, but usually by the time I get to a place and time that I can build on it, the momentum has passed.

I felt so inspired in Hawaii. Inspired by the gentle and relaxed spirit of the people that live there, and the lifestyles they have. I realize the cost of living is much higher there, and that many of them might have other alternative income options in addition to the creative outlets that allowed me to interact with them.

For the time being, I need to earn a regular pay check to support my current life style, and continue the financial recovery process from my previous life experiences. I love my job, and am so glad for it! I get to work in a healing industry, and I learn things every day, and I am also in a situation where I am (gently) forced to really work through some of my past emotional hurts, and strengthen those of my weakened interaction skills! This is the place that I belong, at this point in time, but I can see that it is not my "forever" and that it is a (perhaps long term) learning place for me. I KNOW that it will provide vastly valuable life and professional skills to build upon where I currently am , and help me to begin a new foundation for where I will be at the next level!

I am always open to your comments, and suggestions!

Get out there and open your heart and your life and

Live Well,

Suzi~Q

Waiting for the Tsunami

2011-03-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

March 11, 2011 Lihue, Kauai, Hawaii

We had been vacationing here since Saturday. It has been a wonderful week full of amazing adventures! Thursday evening we went out for a wonderful last night dinner at Duke's, and had a delightful time walking near the beach.

Back at the condo after dinner, we were relaxing and reading while listening to the sounds of the waves breaking on the beach outside our balcony, when my sister in law came out and said we needed to watch the news. We turned on the TV and saw that there had been an earthquake of 8.9 in Japan just a few minutes before, and it triggered a tsunami that was heading toward the Hawaiian Islands. As we watched the news and discussed our course of action and contacted the villa office for evacuation information, we watched as the tsunami washed ashore in Japan. They had little warning, and sadly so many lives were lost and so many more are forever changed. I have friends with friends and family in Japan, and are still waiting for work from their loved ones and here it is four days later.

We decided that we would not wait for the sirens to go off. We packed our luggage, and all of the food and water bottles we had. Not knowing if the waves that would wash ashore would be as predicted at six feet or better, we also took blankets, towels and pillows from the condo. We figured worse case scenario was that it would hit hard, and they would not care that we took a few pillows, and best case, we would be back in the morning to return them, and check out on schedule.

We all agreed that it was best to stick together, but take both of the rental cars, that were dangerously low on gas. The Shell station was right across the street from the designated evacuation location we had been directed to, and there were about 12 cars in line in front of us, so we went to the end of the line and waited. The staff at the station were doing the filling so that it would go faster. we filled both cars, and made our way over to the school parking lot. We were amongst the first dozen or so to arrive at King Kaumualii Elementary, so parking was choice, and we selected our spots next to each other. The my boyfriend and his brother decided to walk across the street to the 7-Eleven, and us girls hung out. The principal of the school came around a few minutes later and let us know they would be opening the cafeteria in a few minutes and setting up some televisions and making coffee.

People continued to arrive. Mostly tourists, and a few locals. Most of the locals have Ohana (family and friends) on the island, and have homes on higher ground they can go to. We spent our time cycling between resting and dozing in the car for 15-20 minutes segments, then going back inside to check the news and chat with people from all over the world. The staff kept the coffee coming, and all of the people were calm and congenial. Even the children were awesome! People were sleeping on the sidewalks, and on gym mats on the stage, and in their cars.

While not exactly how I had envisioned spending my last vacation night on Kauai, but our overnight stay at King Kaumualii Elementary as a refugee from the impending tsunami was quite a pleasant adventure. School staff, FEMA reps and the Red Cross have were amazing, and so helpful. It in no way felt like a scary situation for us. I felt safe and relaxed, and so very thankful that if I was going to go through a serious, world recognized, natural disaster, I was with the man that I wanted to be with. He was so calm, and so pulled together. His packing and planning were so well thought out. He impressed me, yet again, with his natural and instinctual abilities in stressful situations. I knew, that no matter what happened, be it the worst, or non-incidental, I was safe, and there was no one better for me to partnered with.

This further enforces how I feel about this man as my life partner!

Money Matters

2011-02-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

I have debt. I realize that in America today, that is pretty much the norm, and in some ways expected. However, I lived debt free, for at least 15 years; then like many of us, through a series of medical emergencies, I used up my emergency savings, and then had to start using the emergency credit cards. I have not been able to get that totally paid off since 2004. This stresses me out. I do not like this at all. It makes me feel trapped, and at the mercy of my budget. I will say, however, that I still maintain an excellent credit rating, and while I am unable to pay my balances in full, I make more than the minimum payments each month, and though they are small, I can see that I am making dents in the balances.

I am very careful with my money, and have a very carefully planned out budget that I follow carefully. After selling all of our investments when I got divorced at the end of 2004, I now have some small holdings again (401k through work, and a small money market attached to my life insurance), which feels really good! The debt I carried with me from the divorce is hardly anything anymore, but the process of paying THAT off generated new debt of almost equal size, and that I am still dealing with. I did pay off my car in 2009, and I was so excited, I used what would have been two car payments to go to Hawaii for nine days with two of my best friends! I still feel like that was a wonderful way of celebrating! Then I lost my job July of 2009, and went back to school, which brought student loan debt! I was able to get half of my tuition money covered with grant monies, which was a LOT of hard work researching and writing applications and such, but so worth it! I was also, so very fortunate to have qualified for a program that allowed me to collect my unemployment benefits while going to school full time, without having to job-search, or work! I was offered my first job after graduation, one year to the day from when I got laid off! If I did not have a very carefully crafted and held to budget, I never would have survived being out of work for an entire year! It was a wonderful experience for me to go back to college as an adult, and I would gladly do it again, better prepared financially!

Over the years I have taken many classes on personal finances, and I really have to say that I love helping people plan their family household budgets, and helping them make a plan to get out of debt! I may not be out of debt yet myself, but I have a plan that I am actively working, and regularly reviewing. I am open with my plan, and suggest the same formulas and strategies for people that I mentor with.

In an effort to continually educate myself, and keep my skills sharp, and expand my own knowledge base, I regularly take classes, often through the credit union I belong to, as they are free; I read books I get from the library, and seek out free classes put on by professionals in the area. Currently, I am participating with an online organization called the Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE) and have started participating in their Money Club 21-day Debt Makeover. Each day I get an email with one small, 15-minute task to do towards recognizing where and what my debt is. Each task is simple, and not at all scary, it is simply a matter of getting familiar with my money and responsibilities, which is the first, and most important step, in getting our finances under control.

I am continually seeking to improve my outlook, and my plan, and my options. Later this spring, I am even considering taking a temporary second job, so that money can be directly applied to my debt reduction plan! I am aware that I would be "burning the candle at both ends", I also know that it would be a temporary situation, and that the end result of returning to financial peace makes it worth while. It might also open some opportunities for me to serve, as one of the types of jobs I am considering is home health care with special needs children, something that I did years ago, and very much enjoyed, though the pay is low. But this time around, it would be supplemental income, so I feel a bit more liberty in being open to that option.

While my debts are "under control" as far as being on time and ahead of my payments, I also know that they still exist, and they limit my ability to do other things that I would really love to be able to do, like travel, and spending time developing my musical, photographic, and crochet arts! I would love to be able to work on a medical missions trip. I would like to buy a small used truck, since I live more in the country now, and my little sports car does not really like the winter snow, and pot-hole rittled dirt roads.

I encourage you to take a look at your finances. Don't be afraid of them. When you are in control of your money, you have so much more freedom than when your money controls you! As with all of my journeys, I will share with you as I progress what I am doing, and I encourage you to join me in the 21-day Debt makeover, and at least get a better understanding of how you really do have what it takes to make your financial life more solid!

Live Well!
Suzi~Q

A Legacy, Leaving

2011-02-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

I read, the other day, that we do not change as we get older, we just become more clearly ourselves. The way a diamond cutter chips away the rough rock, to reveal each of the tiny faucets that make a sparkling, glittering diamond; I believe that every person we have ever met has made a mark on our psyche, even if we do not recognize it at the time. And, I believe that we in turn, leave a mark on every person we meet. As a leaf pressed into soft clay, whose impression shows a complex map of lines, each soul that intersects with mine brings clarity, definition, and detail to my life.

And much like the fine thread that I work carefully with my smallest crochet hook, to create complex and beautiful laces, each encounter I am allowed with another human soul, is designed and carefully orchestrated by the loving and gentle hands of The Master of the Universe, to create a beautiful garment, that clothes and warms, and protects me.

People come and go from our lives. Some people however, leave longer lasting, and more recognizably important influences. I cannot be more thankful for the short time that I was allowed to know one of the most loving and gentle souls, in the person of Ed Brand.

My relationship with him was brief, but somehow feels as if I had known him much longer than a fleeting 4 years. From the first time I met him, I felt a kindred spirit with him. There were a few times I was able to stop at the house and visit, just him and me. I enjoyed those conversations with Ed very much! He always asked such genuine and thoughtful questions about my children, who he had only met a few brief times. He shared news of his grandchildren, and how proud he was of their accomplishments. He relayed a particular story of Jeff and Matt floating past the house on the river in Granite Falls, as he sat drinking his coffee and watching from the window. With a firm and patient heart he equally loved all six of the children he and Elaine combined when they married, and all of the grandchildren that followed. His wise and gentle manner helped me, as a mom, to remember to see the long range for my own children, and realize that even the most difficult moments can work out for the good. I thank you, Ed, for being part of the intricate map of encounters that continues to bring clarity and definition to my life, and nurture my healing heart.

Every encounter I had with Ed filled my heart with gentleness, and I always came away loving and appreciating him for helping me to see through softer eyes. His thoughtful and guiding way of asking questions makes me, yet, long for that amazing skill in myself, and I tried to pay attention to that mannerism, so that I might nurture that quality in myself. Ed was a great listener and teacher of life lessons for me. I will always have a precious place in my heart where I hold my memories of him. I am forever thankful for the rich detail, and intricate stitches Ed brought to the lace of my life.

After being surrounded by his large and loving family, Ed slipped gently and peacefully from this world and into the next, with his wife and daughter at his side. While his presence will be deeply missed at family gatherings, his loving and gentle essence remains with all of us who are blessed to have counted him as family and friend.

A precious gem, sparkling, and radiant from a life that exposed and polished his many faucets, he is now set in the Crown of God.

My Last 10 Pounds

2011-01-30T13:14:00.000-08:00

I have battled with my weight and body image all of my life. I can remember as a child being the "chubby girl" and always being the last chosen for sport teams, usually utilized for keeping the numbers even.

I remember my mom trying to convince me that a piece of whole wheat bread, with little or no mayo, piled as high as I wanted with alfalfa sprouts was a filling sandwich! NOT!

I have always been a member of the clean plate club. I have always eaten until I was stuffed.

Not always unhealthy food choices, but most certainly enormous portion control issues! I struggle with that everyday, still. I do not understand the psychology behind it. I'm sure there is something!

But for the last 5 or more years, I have been able to keep off 50 pounds! That is a lot of weight on a 5'2" (or less) frame. BUT, I have had that last ten pounds that just wants to linger, and I have not been fighting with it. I have been trying to come to terms with it. Accept it. Make friends with it. Understand it. The number on a scale really does not matter too me entirely, I am certainly more concerned with the size of my jeans, and the overall health and fitness of my body. I have come to understand that as my choices and patterns become healthier, the number on the scale will get where it needs to be. I do not own a scale in my home. Never have. About 2 years ago, I knew it was time to step up to the next level, and get more fitness activity into my life on a regular basis. We had a gym at the company I worked for, and I started going every day, for at least 30 minutes.

I bought a gym membership a bit more than a year ago as I was no longer with that company, and have made a regular practice of being at the gym, and working out, at lest 3 times a week for 30 minutes. I do not work out hard as a general rule, as a condition with my hip does not always permit that, but the biggest thing for me is building the routine, and breaking a sweat! Knowing that as I get stronger, and can eventually get the medical attention my hip needs, then I will be able to build on this basic routine.

Last Thanksgiving, I decided that for 2011, I wanted to get a bit more focused on that last 10 pounds. I felt like the previous changes I ha made were solidified into my life style, and it's time to add some more. Time to build the next little level. I know all too well for my self that if I get too drastic, then it only lasts a couple of months, and if I make changes in little baby stages, then it is life changing! (This pretty much goes for everything, and not just diet and exercise!!).

Last night at the gym (the only scale other than my doctors that I take serious) .... I weighted in at 130pounds! My current goal weight is 125, and my goal dead line is summer (but am hoping for March, because we are going to Hawaii!!). I cried! I have not seen a scale balance at that weight with me on it, in over 20 years! Tears of self pride, and relief, and satisfaction flooded my heart!

The weight may not stay off totally, or all at once. That seems to be the pattern for me over the last 5 or so years ... lose 5, gain 3, loose 3 gain 2 ... but in the long run, I am loosing the fat, and my muscles are getting stronger, and I am feeling healthier and more energetic! I am not going to run any 5ks, or half or whole marathons like several of my friends ... my hip just will not allow that! But I am going t go hiking more, and ride my bike more in the summer, and wear a bikini on the beaches of Hawaii!! And I am going to continue on this slow building healthy process, because it makes me feel so good!

Because I want to LIVE WELL!
Love Suzi~Q

Regaining Control of my life, by Letting go of Controlling others

2011-01-29T14:13:00.000-08:00

Control. Well, there is a heavy word. No one wants things to be out of control! Things that are out of control usually come to a crashing and screeching halt; there is damage, and chaos, and dismay. Most humans thrive better with-in order than we do with-in chaos. But who gets to decide what that order ought to be, and how far reaching it is to be? My life and world were starting to cause me negative physical health symptoms. I needed to have peace, and calm, and order in my life, and I began a campaign to create it.

Step 1, in the Co-dependent's Anonymous program says, "We admitted were were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable." That, at first glance was a no-brainer for me!

Long before I had ever even heard of Co-dependency, or even considered a 12-step recovery program for what was happening in my life, I knew that my life and my world were totally out of control. I was stressed, and had developed a diagnosed anxiety disorder that I was being medicated for. I had gained a lot of weight that I had no control over. I had severe and often debilitating muscle pain in my neck and shoulders. I had migraines. I had insomnia. I had high blood pressure. I behaved hyper-actively. I was controlled by fear. But I was not at that time recognizing that those were symptoms of a far deeper, yet unidentified problem.

Part of the solution for me was was to orchestrate order into my life. Of course, there were other human beings that were part of my life, so, in order for me to have my peace, and calm and tranquility, they had to be compliant with my plan. And so began the "training" process. My fear drove me. I was stressed, and often acted out harshly against those closest to me, namely my children. My standards were high, and I demanded the best people were capable, rarely settling for less.

I did not want to be in control! But I desperately needed things to be in control. And if they were not, and no one else was stepping up to the plate, then I would. It was for my own security, my own peace of mind, and the betterment of others ... so I told myself.

But really, how did this benefit me? The other participants balked, and fought against me and complained, and still went about their own path, causing me even more chaos, and distress, and anxiety, and discord. The more I was willing to take control, the less the others had to.

I felt powerless. I felt trapped by the irresponsibility of another. I felt hopeless. I was in despair, and depression.

Until I realized that I had to release that other person, totally. I had to stop being responsible for that person. I did not have to provide a platform for that person to cause me grief, and hardship, and additional effort. I could honestly, and freeingly, release that person to make their own choices, and path, and figure out how to make it work for them. It did not have to be on my shoulders, or my dime, or my time, any more.

I was liberated, empowered. I could see a clearer, healthier path, at that point in my heart and mind, though not yet in my physical life. I could see the path to being a free spirit again ... the cage door had been opened so that I could fly when I was strong enough. That was not instantaneous, it was, and in some ways, still is, a growth process.

And still the growth process is happening for me, and I am faced everyday with new challenges in opening my heart, and building my courage, and sharing my story.

My hope is that through my sharing, I continue to be empowered myself, and you are encouraged to be so, as well!

Live Well!
Love Suzi~Q

Grieving Lost Dreams

2011-01-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

I always wanted to be a mommy. A wife. A homemaker. I did have interests for a career outside the home if necessary, either a nurse, or a teacher. But I really wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to build memories of laughing and playing. I wanted to teach my children to be creative and to take care of them selves, and their own families some day. I wanted to teach them, and to have some kind of home based business so that we could earn and learn together. To create a home community that was nurturing, and fun. I wanted us to have family and friends that we could have backyard BBQ's with, and camp with in the summer, and spend the holiday evenings with.

I'm afraid that I let that desire, that mental picture, cloud my decisions as a young woman. I made decisions that took me on a fast track to what seemed would be that end, but as we learn as we grow older, things that happen quickly often do not have longevity.

Now, to be fair. There is much of this dream that came to fruition! I have three beautiful children, that are now grown, and my daughter is married to a wonderful young man with a healthy family of origin. I was able to homeschool my kids for 8 years, which was a wonderful experience as far as I am concerned, despite my many mistakes, and high stress approach at times. All of my children could plan and cook and clean-up a basic meal for the family by the time they were ten years old, and to this day are all wonderful cooks. They can all sew, knit, & crochet. They can all run power tools, and do home repairs. They can all change the oil on their own cars, and do many vehicle repair and maintenance jobs. Now, not all of that is my teaching specifically, but what I did not know how to teach myself, there were plenty of people in our circles that could fill in the gaps! Including their father, at times (more on that later), and grandfather, and uncle. There are many wonderful memories.

But due to the choices of another person, these life-styles had to change, and rather rapidly, and I ended up in the mainstream work force, and my kids were in public school. We tried to make the best of it. Tried to be flexible, and just roll with it. And many good and wonderful experiences came of that time as well. There were also many deeply painful trials for us to grow through, and that will always be the case. We learned a lot as a little family team. We had to rely on each other, which had the effect at times of both bonding, and driving a wedge.

I did not at the time, have the liberty of really recognizing that I was deeply grieving the loss of my dreams. Described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, the 5 stages of grief have become relatively commonly known, and as we as a culture have come to understand these stages of grief, we also have come to see that they apply to many different types of loss, and not just as related to physical death. I recognize now that I became stuck for years at a time, and sequentially in the first 4 (DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION) of the 5 stages (the last being ACCEPTANCE). What a relief it was for me to finally reach acceptance! There are more current writings and understandings that suggest that there are 7 stages of grief: 1. SHOCK & DENIAL, 2. PAIN & GUILT, 3. ANGER & BARGAINING, 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS, 5. THE UPWARD TURN, 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH, 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE.

So many years later, I still have short pangs of anger, and depression when memories spring up in my mind. But I can see them through clearer eyes now. I don't have to hold onto that pain any more. It does not stab as deeply into my heart as it used to. I no longer feel so much guilt for the choices I made. I do still feel sadness for the lifetime of "issues" that my children will have to carry, and deal with in their own lives, but at the same time recognize that we all have childhood issues that we have to learn to accept. And since my children are of good character in their souls, I can expect to watch them grow and mature into wonderful adults, despite the efforts of their childhood upheavals. I believe that we will be better people; more empathetic, more thoughtful, more resourceful, more generous, BECAUSE of what we have experienced as a family!

As you think about the things in your past that have shaped you, and your children, and your families; let the grief run it's course. Honor that process, and allow yourself to grow from it. As the line from a song in "Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang" says, "Up from the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success"!!

Live and love your life, because of, not in spite of, the challenges you have been through!

Love,

Suzi~Q

Fidget ... A Pot Scrubber Pattern!

2011-01-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

I hate just sitting and doing nothing while watching TV. This is something that I do not do at my home as I have been cable free for 20 years! But we do watch TV at my boyfriend's house. At my house, I waste my time playing on the internet, and facebooking and emailing my friends, and researching things for work, and playing bookworm! Riding in the car is another place that I feel the need to keep my fingers busy! I used to smoke, so when I quit 20+ years ago, I picked up my crochet hook, and knitting needles, and have hardly put them downs since! I have designed patterns, and even had some of them published by national publications!

These are the best pot scrubbers I know. I have seen them made with the more aggressive tuling, but I like this stuff, as it does not seem to harm my non-stick surfaces. This time I used blue, as it was left over from a decorating activity, but I usually buy white, as it is the cheapest!! LOL

I use a serrated knife and cut the roll in half (there is a card board tube inside). This is not very nice for your knife, so dont use one that you cherish! I crochet using a size H hook. These pot scrubbers are worked in rounds.

Round 1: Ch2. In the 2nd ch from the hook, work 8sc. I like to work over the little tail so that I dont have to go back and weave it in later.

Round 2: 2sc in the top of the 1st sc, and in each sc around. You can mark the beginning of the round if you like, but I just eyeball it.

Round 3: 2sc in the first sc, 1 sc in the next, repeat around.

Round 4 through to the end: 2 sc in the first sc, sc in the next 3sc, repeat around and around and around until the scrubber measures about 3 inches across, or what ever size you like. If it is not laying flat, you can adjust how often you do 2sc in a stitch (more often if it is curling up like a basket; less often if it is getting wavy along the edges.

One spool of tule usually makes 4 scrubbers, for me. They make a nice gift with a hand made pot holder and wash cloth, and last a long time. they can be thrown in the washing machine too!

Have fun, and fidget with your fingers instead of sitting, or smoking, or eating, or any other less than healthy things we tend to do in front of the TV!

Live Well
Love Suzi~Q

Curried Dinner

2011-01-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

Living Well encourages you to Eat Well! But that does not mean it has to cost a lot!

CURRIED DINNER

2 teaspoons olive oil

½ a bulb of fresh garlic, each piece peeled and roughly chopped

1-1/2 large onions, diced

2 diced tomatoes (or 1 can of diced tomato)

3 tablespoons curie powder

Salt, pepper or garlic powder to taste

2cups chunked raw chicken, or pork (you can use fish too I guess. Beef is NOT traditional at all in India, but I suppose one could break with tradition and try it!!)

Add veggies as desired, or available, or as you like them!!! (my chosen this evening were cauliflower, red bell pepper, tomato, potato, and frozen green peas!)

2 carrots cut in little chunks

2 stalks celery, cut in 3rd long way, then cut in 1/2" chunks

1-2 cups cauliflower in bite size pieces

6-8 asparagus stems cut in 1/2" chunks

1-2 cups potato in bite sized cubes

1. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and sauté until soft and golden brown. Slowly stir in curry powder. Once ingredients are blended together, add meat, tomato, and cook 15 minutes. Add remaining veggies. Cover skillet and simmer over medium low heat for about 30 minutes or until meat is cooked through and no longer pink inside.

2. Remove cover from skillet and cook for an additional 15 minutes, until sauce reduces. (Note: Make sure that you stir and that dish does not burn, as curry powder burns very easily!)

3. Serve over cooked brown Jasmine Rice with plain yogurt.

Eat well,

Live Well

Love Suzi~Q

Holding Hopes and Dreams

2011-01-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

Real paper and ink books are so munch more than a story, or words to take into my brain. They are an experience, a relationship, a connection that cannot be replaced with technology, for me. There is an old saying, it is often attributed as a Chinese Proverb ... To read a book for the first time is to make an acquaintance with a new friend; to read it for a second time is to meet an old one.

I recently started re-reading my 1850, possibly first edition, copy of Currer Bell's (aka Charlotte Bronte) "Shirley". I came to have this treasure quite by accident I'm sure. I do not even recall exactly where I found it, but I know I was in a used book store, or possibly a second hand store. As is typical for me when acquiring new volumes, I could FEEL the life energy vibrating off of this book directly at me. Sometimes, I think that the books choose me, I don't choose them. I am pretty sure that I paid no more than $2 for this book, to later discover it's true identity, and value. This really is how I have come to have most of the prized books in my collection, though most are not as materially valuable as this one. I read them. All of them. Sometimes many many times, and sometimes skimming through them. I have several wonderful books. A few of them are recent, meaning within the last 20 years, but most are well over a hundred years old. They are like friends. They bring me comfort. They bring me wisdom. They make me laugh and cry. They bring me a connection to the past as no other antique pieces I have ever known. Every word becomes a part of me, and helps to shape me. My collection tends to be focused around antique textbooks, medical texts, and classic literature and poetry.

Their monetary value means nothing to me, what I value is the history, the connection that I feel with every previous owner that has read and treasured every word. Each person has left a piece of their DNA on this book, and in my way of understanding, it can never be removed; and my own is now added to the life history of these tomes!

I love the way old books smell, when they are not dirty and musty that is! I love the hand written notes in the margins, that give me a little glimpse into the psyche of a previous reader. I rarely add my own notes, as I often feel that they simply do not live up to the depth of the aged ones. I love when old pictures are used as page markers, and left, or when flowers are pressed in them. I once found a small hand written dinner invitation, that while it does not have a year in the date, but by the day and month and style of hand writing, I would place it circa 1910!

When I hold any of my treasured books in my hands, when I read each word, when I let my fingers caress the ancient old pages, I feel that I have the honor and privilege of touching history. Like I am holding hands with every hand that has caressed this treatise, and am contributing my own energy to the energy that it holds. You cannot get these FEELINGS and connections from a kindle, or e-book! Or any other electronic form of literature! I recognize the fun of technology, and the convenience and ease for travel purposes, and I even possess a few electronic forms of personal development and educational readings. Still, in my heart and mind, nothing will ever replace a real live, paper page book for my literature!

One day, these beloved volumes will belong to another, most likely my daughter, as she as a similar love of my classic treasures!

Pick up a real book, and love it for the paper and link that made it for, "Many people, other than the authors, contribute to the making of a book, from the first person who had the bright idea of alphabetic writing through the inventor of movable type to the lumberjacks who felled the trees that were pulped for its printing. It is not customary to acknowledge the trees themselves, though their commitment is total. ~Forsyth and Rada, Machine Learning"

Love is Lovely

2011-01-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

I look across the room & see this man who loves me, just as I am.

He knows parts of my hurtful past, but does not often ask for details, because the woman that I am today is whom he loves.

He sees my weaknesses, but does not feel the need to point them out to me.

He encourages me to keep moving & growing myself forward & limit the looking back.

He does kind things for me without my asking, because it makes me happy & making me happy makes him happy.

He works very hard when it’s time to work & plays just as hard when it’s time to play.

He does not criticize me when the things I try don’t turn out the way that I want, but he will ask me what I learned so that we can make it better next time.

He takes serious things serious & he knows when to laugh at himself & me, in a loving way!

Memories of My Past Alive Today

2011-01-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Back in August, there was a casual gathering of former schoolmates, at a tavern in my old hometown. A couple of dozen people, some of whom I have known since first grade attended, and it really was a nice event. There were little groups of 4-6 people talking and laughing, some trying to remember each other, telling stories and over-sharing memories, and events that shaped our lives. We talked about common memories, like the school lunches, field day, the 6^th grade Cinderella play, and how economically divided our high school was. We talked about things that have happened in our lives since we last saw each other at graduation; college, traveling, the divorces, the serious health issues, the career changes, the kids. And here we are now in our grown-up lives, on even ground, peers, friends, where we were more acquaintances 30 years ago. Comrades, now, in our quest to make sense of our youth, and how it fits into our lives today.

At home, as I drifted off to sleep that night, I was flooded with memories of being a misfit, of being different, teased, and ignored. There were many memories of laughing and learning and having fun. I fell asleep and had a dream of being the me of today, a mom, on my daughter’s wedding day, and trying to make everyone happy, and get things set up, but I was still a high school student, and trying to take care of my school responsibilities as well, and consequently doing none of those things well. In waking, I realized that all of those fun and sometimes painful events of my past combine to make me the Woman that I am today. A woman that I love, and a woman who is learning and growing, and nurturing. I am now a woman who can look back at those times with a reasonably well-adjusted, perspective.

As a parent, I tried to use my painful memories as building blocks for my children; I tried to teach them to be compassionate toward those that were being picked on, and to defend them. I taught them to respectfully stand up for themselves if they were being picked on. I taught them the verbal skills and scripts necessary to put a bully in check. All of this despite my own low self-esteem, inferiority complex, and mild social anxiety disorder, because I refused to let my kids grow up learning to be afraid, from me (at least as best as I could manage!)! Of course, they will have their own issues, as we all do, from our childhoods, and parents! However, as I see it, my brother and I grew up relatively ok, despite the best efforts of our parents, and my kids have grown up relatively ok, despite my best efforts, and my future grand children will follow suit as well!

So, what did I come away with after this little, unofficial, school reunion? While I have an anguished kind of love for the girl that I once was, and have deep compassion for the hurtful things she experienced, I deeply love the Woman that I have become because of what she dealt with! Moreover, I love the Woman who I am continuing to become even more! How appropriate that the encouraging text message of the day said, “Free yourself by freeing your own emotions. Express your feelings”.

Now, if I can better learn how to free and express my feelings, then I will enter a new level of the freedom that I already have! A freedom that I use little of to be honest! Baby steps... baby steps!

Love you to as you continue your own path to

Living Well

Love Suzi~Q

Control -vs- In-Charge

2010-12-26T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm Suzi, and I'm co-dependent.

I have been going to 12-step meetings for a little more than a year now. It took me almost 10 months before I bought a book to work through the 12 steps. It has taken me another 4 to get to the point that I am willing to start working through the questions in it! Here I am, looking straight into the eyes of 2011, and wanting to dive a little deeper into me, so I opened my work book, and decided that (most) every Sunday I would write about one question in the workbook, in order, from beginning to end, and without skipping any of them!

Step 1: We admit that we are powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Question 1: Am I controlling? How?

I am far less controlling than I was when my children were young! Back then I had to make sure things were under control, otherwise I did not feel like we were safe. Controlling what the kids were doing, and how they were doing it kept us safe, in my mind. I could control what their dad was doing to some degree, and that kept us safe. So many things were out of control, and so unmanageable! I felt so powerless, but if I knew what to expect from the pattern of behavior, then I could know what to do to keep everyone safe.

I just got off the phone with my daughter. I told her I was writing on this question today. She said that yes, I am controlling, but that I want to control those things and situations that directly impact me, and my household. She told me that even when she was little, I did not try to control other people, except my kids, and that was my job. That she saw that I was not trying to control what her dad was doing, that that I was trying to control the situation that was out of control, that I was trying to bring order to the chaos.

I HATE chaos! I must have calm, and peace and order in my world. If I cannot have it in general, I would have it in what ever corner was mine to control. Sometimes that was simply my desk/office space at home, or my laundry room, or my dresser. When my life and finances and family was falling apart around me, I sought solace in cleaning and organizing my closets.

I do not have to be in control of things, but things but be under control! My body reacts with tension in my neck and shoulders when chaos reigns. I need for there to be a plan. A rhyme, a reason, a rhythm. There is a scripture in the bible that says to do all things decently, and in order, and that has been so true for me.

When my home is tidy, I can rest. When I understand how things work, I can roll with change. When I pack all the different outfits, I can be spontaneous with my boyfriend! But gee, what if he wants to take me out dancing, and I only have my dirty work jeans, and hiking boots! So I pack snuggle clothes, and going out clothes, and working in the yard clothes, and wandering around town clothes, and visiting the family and friends clothes ... now I can say YES! to anything he suggests we do! That is control, for me.

So, as I look at this question ... Am I controlling? It really is a question that requires a yes, or no, answer ... I feel like I can say, No, I am not CONTROLLING. I am in control, I am in charge.

I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my household. I am in charge of my responsibilities. I don't expect anyone else to make my decisions, and I don't try to make decisions for people that I am not responsible for, and as my children grow and launch from my household, I don't try to decide for them. I offer suggestions, and counsel, and not always when they ask, and sometimes when they don't, but I offer my input, and can walk away knowing full well that they are intelligent young adults that I have trained well, and they can make their own decisions. And they can carry the responsibility for them.

I have control by knowing the ground rules, and functioning inside them. I have enough to do to keep myself safe and happy and warm and well, without trying to manipulate other people. If they do not see the wisdom that I offer, that is their own choosing, and I can rest well knowing that!

Peace and love to you all as we walk together in this quest to
Live Well!
Love SuziQ

Some Assembly Required; The Story of an Afghan

2010-11-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have mentioned that I love to crochet! I started when I was about 6 years old. My friend Jodi taught me to do a chain, and then to single crochet. My grandma taught me to double crochet, and the rest I self taught, either by reading books, or by trying things out. Over the years my interest grew into a passion, and a productive creative outlet! I have done charity work, making hats for cancer survivors, and blankets for new born, afghans for soldiers, and afghans for their family members when they have been in need of comfort. I assembled 3 afghans made from squares sent to me from all over Washington state to send to the family members of Michael Anderson, one of the astronauts killed in the Challenger explosion.

I have had several of my designs published in magazines. I continue to design, and have a collection of patterns that a couple of my friends think I ought to publish in a book!!

I like my crochet work to be simple and useful. I am very picky about my fibers and my colors too! There is a lot of work that goes into creating an item, and to to have my designs become treasured and used for generations is my goal! In fact, that is the the idea behind the slogan I wrote on my business cards, "Carefully worked by Loving hands, to last generations. New Heirlooms, by Suzi Alcorn"

A couple of years ago I made a huge blue and black, soft fluffy afghan, for my boyfriend for Christmas. It took me a long time in between work, and date nights to finish it, and I was very proud to present it to him on Christmas morning. It has since become a staple for cuddle time, and spends a lot of time with someone under it! That warms my heart as much as it warms my body! My boyfriend's son, who is now 10, seems to spend the most time with that blanket, which always makes me smile! One day I was teasing him about stealing his dad's afghan, and he told me that if he had his own, then he would not have to take his dad's! When asked what color he envisioned this afghan being, if he had his own, he promptly said, "Red!"

And so begins the life of the Riley's Red Afghan! After looking at the limited stores in my area for purchasing yarn, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to use. I went online to Smile's Yarns and compared prices and brands and colors, until I found what I wanted! Lion Brand Color Waves in Sunset Red, and Red Heart Light and Lofty in Red Grape Multi. After some calculations, I decided to order 6 skeins of each. It was so much cheaper than buying it at the store, but each order must be at least $50, so I had to buy some more yarn ... I bought 10 skeins of a very YUMMY camel colored alpaca yarn to make a cardigan for myself someday! Even with shipping charges, the total was still less than what the 12 skeins would have cost me at a local retailer! Now, I do have to say that for the most part, I do support my local merchants! I DO prefer to "Shop Local, Think Local, Be Local", as per our town motto, but I also have a banking balance that must be considered!!

So, here is how the afghan goes ....

Size P hook, starting with the Light and Lofty, I made a chain as long as my arm span ... ya, i know, that really is not that long but it was a good starting point! Your chain length ought to be 5-6 feet long. Sc in the second chain from hook, ch1, skip one ch, ch1 in the next ch, ch1. Repeat across, making sure that the you work a sc in the last ch, even if that means 2 sc next to each other ... this helps to ensure an even edge.

Ch1, turn. Sc in the end sc. If the next stitch is a ch1 space, then sc in it. If the next stitch is a sc, then ch1, skip the sc, and sc in the next ch1 space! Repeat! OK, that's it ... I worked 2 rows with the light and lofty, then 4 rows with color waves because the color waves has more yardage per skein weight than the light and lofty, and this (I envisioned) was going to help make sure that at the end I was going to have a balance, and I was pretty close.

I HATE weaving in ends, so when I am working color rows, I DO NOT finish off with each color! When I get to the last stitch at the end of the row, I pull up with the next color to complete the stitch, and carry the yarn up gently. This does mean that when working the edge, one must be careful to work over those lops, so they are secure!!

I also hate it when the skein runs out in the middle of the row!! But years ago, I discovered and old rope tying technique that my dad used applied to yarn!! I use this Russian Joining technique all of the time now! With this yarn being SO bulky, I do not weave back into the strand as these directions show, but just make a loop and secure by working 1ch and sc, then passing the other yarn through the opening. I may have to make that another post with pictures one of these days!

Any way. I kept up this pattern until I had a nicely shaped rectangle, and about 2 skeins of each color left. The last 2 rows were the light and lofty. This time I "finished off".

Using the Color waves, I joined at a corner working down the ends of the rows. Same pattern ... 1sc, ch1 ... just had to try it, and pull it out a few times until I felt like it was laying smoothly. The general rule of on stitch in the end or each row does not work because of the difference in the weight and texture of the 2 different yarns. I worked down that one side, ch1, turn and worked back, then turned and worked back again, making 3 rows on that side. At the end of the 3rd row, I worked sc, ch1, sc in the corner, and worked the pattern down the end, corner at the corner, and then repeated the 3 row passes on the other side, and across the other end, then finished off. Repeat with the other yarn.

After that, I simply went round and round, granny square style with each color until I ran out of it!! My older son, who is 20 years old now, saw it, and is wanting one in green =)

Because this pattern is so easy, the key is in choosing fibers and colors that are enhanced by the simplicity. Choose colors that have longevity. Gallagher did a routine with a bit about the colors that only come in yarn, but I cannot find it to share it with you here! Chose fibers that will hold up well, and remind any recipient that top loading washing machines eat knit and crocheted items for lunch, so use a delicate cycle, and dry on a low temp so it does not get all fuzzy! Those agitating posts catch on the stitches and pull and tear them (I love my front loader!!!)

OK ... get out there, and make someone cozy!

Love to you!

Live well my friends

Suzi~Q

Peach-Mango Chicken Chili

2010-11-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

I have really been using my crock pot a lot lately!

When my kids were little, I used to cook everything from scratch, and I cooked every day, but over the last couple of years, I cook less and less, but am recently finding that I miss it a lot! I like making delicious food that uses a few simple and inexpensive ingredients, especially if it makes good left overs!

Today, I was inspired by a tub of peach-mango salsa and some clearance-bin boneless chicken breasts to "invent" peach-mango chicken chili!

*2 boneless chicken breasts, cut in bite size pieces
*2 small (or 1 large) onion chopped
*1 whole bulb of garlic, pealed, and chopped
*2 cans pinto beans, drained (I would have preferred the little white navy beans, but I did not have any at home, and was not going back shopping)
*1 large can of diced tomatoes (you could use the ones that have chili peppers diced in them already!)
*1 one pound tub of peach mango salsa
*1 teaspoon cumin
*1 teaspoon chili powder
*A sprinkle of ground peppers
*A pinch cayenne pepper
*1/2 cup frozen peach slices chopped (only because I had some in the freezer, and I wanted a little more fruit chunks)

While the meat, onions, and garlic where browning in a frying pan, I put all the rest of the ingredients in the crock pot. When the meat was cooked, and the onions were soft, I added the meat mixture to the crock pot as well, and let it all simmer gently until the flavors blended together! Notice that I added no additional salt!

Served with corn bread and sour cream, this was a very filling and delicious dinner! More tasty than I had expected! I will be having left overs for my lunch tomorrow, and the next day too I'm sure!

Beauty (a poem I wrote)

2010-11-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

Beauty

Walks gently

Inhaling

The delicious scent of the forest.

Gathering

The drops of pearl that blossomed

Safely

Guarded by the majesty of the mountain itself

Wrapped

In the comforting shelter of the trees.

Sitting

Very still and very quiet

Hesitant

To move, for the dream might end.

Timid

To speak, for the sound would shatter the serine and beautiful silence.

Afraid

To exhale for the movement of air is enough to scatter the birds from the trees.

Watching

The dawn unfold in glowing brilliance

Marveling

In awe and wonder, so as not to disrupt the magic.

Chicken Veggie Soup

2010-10-31T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have so much on my agenda this week ahead that I am really looking forward to! Tomorrow evening, I begin rehearsing with my town community choir to perform Handel's Messiah! This is a huge event put on every other year, and I am very excited to be part of it for the second time! And later in the week, I get to babysit a totally adorable little girl who, along with her parents, has crawled right up in my heart! All of this must include a very busy work schedule Tuesday, and Wednesday; a couple of trips to the gym, and some general house hold chores!

In order for me to really be able to enjoy all of the activities on my schedule, I have to take care of me, and plan ahead! I have been feeling very domestic recently, and enjoying my time in the kitchen, and working on some crochet projects. I went each Wednesday evening through the month of October to a wonderful lecture series on Abraham Lincoln; and I am taking an all day photography class this next Saturday! I am also strongly feeling the need to nurture the people in my life. I have been feeling so very safe and cozy in my heart, and I want to share that with my loved ones. I can truly thank my most wonderful boyfriend for nurturing that feeling in me! Consequently, cooking has not just been a necessity, it is once again a pleasure.

I like the healthy way that I feel when I eat healthy food, and that helps me to work on getting these last ten pounds off my tummy and thighs! LOL!! I am also cheap, so I like to make foods that use inexpensive ingredients, go far, and nourish well! I am really trying to make an effort to watch the amount of salt that I eat. I don't add much salt to anything when I cook, but my blood pressure has been a little high lately, and there doesn't seem to be many medical reasons for it! My cholesterol levels are, according to my doctor, impressive, as was my entire lab work up! But I do have a tendency to really be fond of crunchy salty foods. Consequently, I am trying to be extra super careful about where I might be consuming extra salt, so I can make some modifications. The recipe that I made today has no added salt, though a couple of ingredients are low salt.

Today, I am making good use of my crock pot again ... in a wonderfully simple dish! It is just so pretty, and it is starting to smell so good! I wish I could publish the way it smells for you! But since I cannot, you are going to have to make some for yourself, and try it out!

I have a family size crock pot, as I used to have 5 mouths to feed ... now there are just 2 of us, and I still use that huge thing! But with it, I can cook once or twice a week, and eat wonderful leftovers! Its a great time and money saver in my wonderfully busy life! I work only one mile from my home, so most often I come home for lunch, and to be able to heat up a bowl of something yummy really gives me something to look forward to!

This recipe is so easy, you can have your kids help make it! I put a whole chicken in a big stock pot, poured in 2 cans of low salt chicken broth (cause that is what was in the cupboard!), and added a little more water until it was just covered. I put that to boil on the stove while I went to work filling the crock pot with veggies!

Half a head of cabbage
8 small potatoes (I used red, but you can use whatever you have)
3 small onions (you could use scallions too!)
4 large carrots
4 stalks of celery
Half each of a red, yellow and green bell pepper (you could use different amounts and colors, this is just something that was left in the fridge after making another dish!)
2 Roma tomatoes
1 whole bulb of garlic, pealed, and minced

Everything is cleaned, and chopped into bite size pieces, and put in the crock. I lifted the chicken out of the broth, and set it aside to cool, and dumped the broth into the crock over the veggies. I also added a can of Progresso Hearty Tomato Soup, also because it was in the cupboard, and looked like a great ingredient!

When it was cool enough to handle, I boned the chicken, and added the meat to the crock, stir gently .... I have to because the crock is so full it will make a huge mess if I am not gentle!

This will simmer all afternoon, and I will have it for dinner with perhaps a dollop of plain non-fat Greek yogurt (I prefer it over sour cream anymore! It is lower in calories, and higher in protein!), and some fresh french bread from the bakery at my local market! YES! I shop at a small town, local market! I also shop at a couple of locally placed mega chain stores too. Each as it's own necessity, and specialty!

I feel pretty confident that much like the Borscht I made last weekend, I will be eating this Chicken Veggie Soup for lunch and dinner all week! YUM! It's easy. It's inexpensive. It's delicious. It's good for my body. It is a wonderful way to enjoy my fall dinners with beautiful food, and relax!

Now I have time to make sure my scrubs are all clean a put away for the week ahead, and plan out some fun crochet projects ... which I will share with you soon!

Much Nurturing Love to you!
Live WELL!
Suzi~Q

Embrace the Shadows of the Past

2010-10-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

There are so many times that grief comes into our lives. So many ways. I am often amazed at how a particular grief can revisit repeatedly. I have recently been very much missing my grandmas. I have been thinking of the many very practical lessons I learned from my paternal grandma about being resourceful, and not wasting anything. I have a coat of hers, and I have been wearing it a lot with the fall weather arriving, and it helps me feel her near me. I think almost every day of my maternal grandma, and the many wise and thoughtful things she taught me about life, and living with the decisions we have made. The way she still makes me laugh with her sayings! I have some baking dishes that were hers, and love using them to remember her, and feel in some way that those dishes make her part of the meal I'm creating.

Memories can be very powerful, they can overwhelm us, and flood our hearts with emotions we might have thought long tucked away. Recently I learned that my daughter, who lives in another state, was expecting! I cried with joy! I'm going to be a grandma! A short time later, we learned that she miscarried. The grief came to visit again, and brought with it the memories of my own experience. My daughter, much like her mother during her own loss, does not want to talk about it, ever again. I understand and respect that. It has been 20 years, and I am only now beginning to open up and share my loss with other people. I do not feel the judgment that I once thought I might, if I shared my secret. I have been learning over the last couple of years to release my skeletons from their closet, better that than having them escape!

I could not say that I was devastated with my miscarriage, but very deeply saddened. In many ways, I felt that God had taken this baby from me for good reason, and I could not blame Him in any way for His decision. Whether it ought to or not, it felt a just and right payment for the life that I had taken several years before, when I chose to terminate a pregnancy. In a strange way, the miscarriage helped me to get past the horrific guilt I carried in my heart, due to the termination.

Until my daughter's experience, I just never talked about it, and it became so normal for me not to say anything that I continued to not say anything. Now, I am more comfortable with sharing. The shame is gone. I no longer feel judged, or pitied. In my heart, I see those two precious souls, a brother and a sister, Tim and Victoria. They are hanging out in Heaven with family members that have gone before me, waiting for the rest of the family to get there. I envision them at the play ground, on the swings, playing in the green grass, laughing, and running. And when I get there, to hold them for the first time, they will laugh, and kiss my cheek and say "What took you so long?"

Embrace your past. The good. The bad. The ugly. These are the fires that refine us. These are the cutting tools that chip away the parts of us that are rough, and expose the faucets that make each of us a sparkling jewel in the Master's Crown! By coming to grips with the experiences that have made us who we are, we are better able to help those around us to also deal with the shadows and skeletons in their lives. This in turn allows us to live fully, as we were intended to do!

Live Fully. Live Well!
Love Suzi~Q

Stuffed Pork Roast

2010-10-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

A co-worker told me about a stuffed pork tenderloin she made a couple of weeks ago, and I was totally inspired! I used to cook a lot when my kids were young, and I had the time. I actually like cooking. I like the way it feels to provide yummy and nourishing food for the people that I love!

I love to work food with my bare hands, as that is how the love gets in! Now it is just me and one teenager left at home, who rarely wants to eat anything I make! So, I rarely cook anything at home anymore! Newly inspired, I told the love of my life that I was going to make him a nice dinner on Saturday ... a stuffed pork roast! His reply ... "Yum! Apple Crisp goes really good with pork roast!" LOL ... So I planned that menu item as well, just 'cause he's so darn cute! He is a good sport, and lets me mess up his kitchen, and is a willing taste tester to my re-imergence into the cooking realm!

Eating well does not have to cost a lot of money! I raised 3 children on $300, or less a month in groceries! For this menu, I happen to have found pork roast on sale a the local grocery store for $1.69 per pound (which totally inspired the time line!); my roast cost about $5. I used a box of instant stuffing mix, which is less than $2. I found asparagus on sale for $1.98 per pound. Ok, on a side note, I'm an asparagus snob, and if it is fatter than a pencil, it is no good to me, but I went out on a limb and decided for this project, that if the asparagus as was too fat for my regular taste, I could slice it lengthwise and make it work!! Which I did, and it worked quite nicely!

I froze the roast a couple of days before, and then the day of cooking set in on the counter to thaw a little. Slightly frozen meat is easier to cut. I took a very sharp knife, and gently started cutting, as if I was slicing off a 1 inch thick slab, but I stopped about an inch from the bottom of the roast, and folded it open like a book. Then, cutting from the "hinge" out, I cut another slab, almost off, and folded it open. I continued in this spiral sort of manner until the roast was a 1 inch thick piece of meat on the board. I massaged light seasonings on the raw meat: sage, pepper, garlic powder, and let it stand for about 10 minutes while I prepared the stuffing.

I cooked up a box of instant stuffing mix and let it cool. Now, a person could really have some fun here, and add minced onion, and celery, and mushrooms, but I did not this time. I spread the stuffing out on the meat, pressing and patting it into place. Then I laid the asparagus stalks across the narrow width, and proceeded to roll it all up like a jelly roll, and tied it snuggly with cotton string. I sprinkled the entire exterior with a little bit of lemon pepper, and wrapped the whole thing in foil, and set it in a baking dish.

I baked it at 325 degrees for about 1 hour, then opened the foil, and turned the temp to 350 for another hour until it was cooked through, and gently golden on top.

Sliced, and served with grilled veggies, and homemade bread (that was very painful and not as successful as I was hoping, and another story to share in another post!). Followed later that evening with very yummy homemade apple crisp (which i will also share in another post!)!

The way to a man's heart at times IS through his tummy!! My very deserving man had a very happy tummy, and some wonderful left overs!

Give it a try, and tell me what you think!
Eat Well! Love well! Live Well!
Love Suzi~Q

The Gift of Life

2010-07-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

I have been donating blood for several years now. I recently received my 2 gallon pin! I go just about every 90 days, and the only gap in my donation cycles have been when I was on a medication that prohibited my donating.

Donating blood is an amazing experience to be sure! One truly direct way you can literally give of your self! I always feel so good after I have donated! I know that the pint of blood that I have given will be used to save lives! I know that my body will beautifully make more!

In my region, Puget Sound Blood Center is the premier collection organization. They have been doing research and providing blood to area hospitals for 65 years.

OK, YES! I HATE having that needle in my arm for the 10 or so minutes it takes to donate a full pint! I am not afraid of needles, I am just very sensitive to the way any foreign object feels in my skin! HOWEVER, the benefit to my community far out-weighs my discomfort.

To prepare my body for this process, I make an extra concerted effort to hydrate during the 24 hours prior to my appointment. I make sure I have a bit more protein than usual. I have a cup of coffee about an hour before. I like to make sure I am really warm too. These things work for me ... the warmth, and caffeine elevate my blood pressure a little, which makes the donation go faster. Of course being hydrated is critical to the donation process, as well as the post donation recovery.

Leave a comment, and share your positive blood donation experience!

Live Well, and be healthy ... and donate blood if you can! It helps others to Live Well too!
Love Suzi~Q

Quality of Life

2010-07-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

For so many years I have heard arguments on what Quality of Life means. The arguments and debates are often focused on the socially-considered "less that perfect" abilities of the elderly and disabled. Those abilities are not limited to the ability to reason, think, make decisions, ambulate, speak, care for ones-self, work, earn a living, pay taxes ... And do, what most of us call, LIVE.

But my life experience has shown me sides to the quality of life discussion that really are often overlooked! I see, everyday, standing on street corners, and sleeping in doorways, people with bodies that function the way they ought to, for the most part, medically speaking. I see people that do not take care of the healthy bodies that they were given, and are now amongst the severely ill, and disabled. I see those that have made decisions to drink, use drugs, hurt themselves, hate them selves. They are angry at the world. They are angry at their family and friends. They feel that someone else ought to have done something different to make their life better. They take no responsibility for who and where they are in their life. There is such a sense of self loathing in these behaviors, that saddens me. This how low quality of life certainly is in my opinion, self-inflicted! Now, I will accept that there are occasions when one might argue that the initial incident that began the down hill slide may have been the fault of another, but at some point, one must stop, and take control and responsibility for what happens after that.

I have worked with children, with bodies and minds bent and twisted with Cerebral Palsy, Muscular Dystrophy, Brain Tumors, developmental delays, and other illnesses and conditions. Some have argued that these children have poor quality of life! But I say NAY! The children that I have worked with have had happy dispositions, they have not felt the victim of anything that God or the universe have given them. They have drive and determination to be happy, and productive. They have families and friends that surround them in a cocoon of love and acceptance. And they thrive, despite what the world at large would consider their disability. They give love so unconditional, and so freely. This is to me is a glowing and desirable quality of life.

Separation from the nucleus of family, in my belief, is where quality of life is altered toward the negative, and diminished. Whether that separation is literal, or emotional, makes no difference, the process of loss begins. Some years ago, a lovely young woman made some detrimental choices about how she would live her life, choosing a life of drugs, and mostly estranging herself from a family that is open and loving. I never had the chance to meet her, and some how felt a little bit of loss for that connection. She is now free of that reduced quality of life that she chose, and rests forever, as her family begins a new part of their grieving process. In my early adult life, someone made decisions of low quality, that caused a great deal of pain, grief and sadness that it will last in myself and my children for the balance of our lives. I think we have all witnessed some such almost purposeful decision that alters a quality of life.

The sadness and separation, in loosing a loved one their choices is heart wrenching, and causes the grieving process to begin and last for so many years, and seems to begin again when (or if) the situation finally ends in death. In some ways the separation is almost more tragic than the death, because we often see it as a very slow death, that starts with the emotional heart, and slowly eats away at the very life and existence of that person, and often those who might long to be closest. The death brings about some closure that the separation never truly allows.

Everyone will go through the grief process, in their own time, and in their own way. However the process order is generally recognized in something like this: SHOCK & DENIAL; PAIN & GUILT; ANGER & BARGAINING; "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION & LONELINESS; THE UPWARD TURN; RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH; ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. There are many resources available on line, and in your local community that can bring you the comfort that is most specific to your needs and situation. Please, seek them out, and understand your own personal grief process.

This evolution looks somewhat different for everyone. Grief is a very personal and and private ritual, that each human being, even dealing with the same situation, will move through differently. It is important that if you are beginning to feel "stuck" in any of the steps listed above, that you consider professional or lay counseling, so that you do not end up repeating the cycle of inflicting a low quality of life on those around you.

It is my desire to encourage you to be whole and healthy, in your body, mind and spirit, so that you and those around you can, to the best of your ability,

Live Well!

Love, Suzi~Q

I'm Suzi and I'm Co-Dependent

2010-06-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

I have for eight or ten years been seeking and trying various counseling, self help, and support groups in an effort to find the right path to my recovery.

Each one of those experiences has brought me some measure of healing and understanding of myself. I can honestly say that no matter how brief the experience, each one has played an important part in my healing process.

Recovery from what? you might ask, if you do not know me, let me introduce myself ... Hi, I'm Suzi, and I am the victim of domestic violence, I have a mild clinical anxiety disorder, an inferiority complex, fear intimacy, and what I have discovered in the last year, at the heart of all of this, I am a co-dependent. And what, exactly is that? What does that mean, co-dependent? I had heard the term before, and being married to a drug addict, I attributed its meaning to me being an enabler. I did not research further into it for many many years. I am discovering that the difficult thing, really, is that co-dependent means different thing for different people. It has more to do with our personal, deep, motivation for doing the things that we do.

One evening, my boyfriend lovingly commented to me that I seem to have some co-dependent behaviors I was still dealing with. I pulled my hand away from him, and felt the hot tears welling up in my eyes. I felt my stomach turn over. I could not look at him. The chink in my armor had been spotted. I decided that if it was that obvious, I had better consider looking into that more seriously.

It took me about a year to get brave enough to dive into discovering this next level of "what was wrong with me". Then one during the fall of 2009, I just started searching the web for different words and phrases that popped into my head about how I was feeling, and what I was afraid of. I started reading various blogs, and counseling web sites, until I came across the CoDA web site . I read the opening welcome page, and then clicked on the link that said "Am I Codependant?" ; a list of behavior patterns and tenancies popped up. I could not stop reading as the color drained out of my face, and I felt a pit in my stomach ... this list was about me!! I had discovered the missing piece of my heartache puzzle!

Over my adult life, I have come to discover that for myself that the first half of my recovery from any condition, be it medical, mental, or emotional, is in knowing and understanding what that condition really and truly is! Right from the moment that I read that list, I felt relief! There was a name for what was wrong with me! And if there is a name for it, then there is a path of healing.

Next I started reading on the site ... what is the cure? There isn't one ... it is a healing process. A process of essentially behavior modification. So, what do I do now? OK ... find a local support group ... and I did. And just my luck, there is a Women's Focus Group about 20 minutes from my home. I emailed to verifyu it was still active, and get directions to the location. I have been attending most every Wednesday evening for the last 8 months.

From the moment I walked in the door, I felt like I had found what was missing in my recovery process. I felt safe to talk about my struggles. I felt encouraged to explore my previously bottled and ignored up feelings. I felt no judgment. I felt accepted for me, just the way I am. This was a huge hurdle for me in that it was a group of all women. Not my usual venue. I have not often had a lot of female friends, and had let myself call very few women friends during most of my life.

Perhaps, when I am feeling a little more confident in this part of my recovery process, I will be ready to face the issues I apparently have had with accepting women as friends. But for now, this enough to keep me moving on a forward and healing path. I was thinking the other day that I would like to start writing about my "work" through the 12 steps or recovery, and sharing them with you here ... I'm not sure that will happen, but I am thinking that being willing to think about sharing that is certainly a step in the right direction ... Recovery!

Consider the areas you might need to seek healing, and
Live Well
Love Suzi~Q

Being Open to Opportunities

2010-06-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am being offered an opportunity by God and the universe to challenge my preferences. To reach for what I want as much as for what I deserve. To accept what is before me without forsaking the deepest desire. My heart is being stretched to a greater capacity than I had previously known.

If you have been following me, you know that I recently graduated from my medical assisting program, allowing me to return to an industry that I left in 2002. My heart is there, and my soul so longs to provide much needed to care to my fellow human beings. I am excited to be using the vast array of skills that my life and training have provided me with.

I was offered a job today. I rejoice! It's a job, and in this economy, that is a big deal! It is with a company that has a good history, and a mission of serving the under served, which very much is a part of my personal mission (there is a post about that!)! It is a small clinic, and feels like the kind of place where I can be part of a team of people that want to be doing what they are doing. It will be good to be part of a group of people that work well together as a cohesive team! I love working as part of a team that becomes synergistic! I have no idea yet where all of this will take me, but I am sure that more doors will be open.

I have my sights already setting on the next level ... have a friend who is an RN and has just returned from another medical missions trip, this time to the Dominican Republic. I sat and cried like a baby as I looked through the pictures she shared. When she went to Hatti last year, I cried after looking at those pictures, and my heart started to be open. I have always had a heart for service oriented mission work, and am really feeling a strong calling to go, and utilize my talents and skills to make a real difference in someones life ... To impact to world. I have been further inspired to help by another friend that has a small business helping non profit organizations with their data collection so they can better provide food and medical services in impoverished countries. While there is much need for me right near home, I am truly feeling the call to places off this continent. To explore, and connect,and bring home the stories. To help those at home to see how blessed we are here. I see, in my heart the unique and individual human souls that are looking at me through those pictures, and I long to connect with them, and make as much of an impression in their lives, and they have already made in my heart.

To get to that place, I will begin by working with what is laid before me, and keep seeking connections and opening my heart and life to all of the possibilities that God and the universe see fit to provide me with.

It helps me to live well!!
Love Suzi