A Legacy, Leaving

I read, the other day, that we do not change as we get older, we just become more clearly ourselves.  The way a diamond cutter chips away the rough rock, to reveal each of the tiny faucets that make a sparkling, glittering diamond; I believe that every person we have ever met has made a mark on our psyche, even if we do not recognize it at the time.  And, I believe that we in turn, leave a mark on every person we meet.  As a leaf pressed into soft clay, whose impression shows a complex map of lines, each soul that intersects with mine brings clarity, definition, and detail to my life.

And much like the fine thread that I work carefully with my smallest crochet hook, to create complex and beautiful laces, each encounter I am allowed with another human soul, is designed and carefully orchestrated by the loving and gentle hands of The Master of the Universe, to create a beautiful garment, that clothes and warms, and protects me.

People come and go from our lives.  Some people however, leave longer lasting, and more recognizably important influences.  I cannot be more thankful for the short time that I was allowed to know one of the most loving and gentle souls, in the person of Ed Brand.

My relationship with him was brief, but somehow feels as if I had known him much longer than a fleeting 4 years.  From the first time I met him, I felt a kindred spirit with him.  There were a few times I was able to stop at the house and visit, just him and me.  I enjoyed those conversations with Ed very much!  He always asked such genuine and thoughtful questions about my children, who he had only met a few brief times.  He shared news of his grandchildren, and how proud he was of their accomplishments.  He relayed a particular story of Jeff and Matt floating past the house on the river in Granite Falls, as he sat drinking his coffee and watching from the window.  With a firm and patient heart he equally loved all six of the children he and Elaine combined when they married, and all of the grandchildren that followed.  His wise and gentle manner helped me, as a mom, to remember to see the long range for my own children, and realize that even the most difficult moments can work out for the good.  I thank you, Ed, for being part of the intricate map of encounters that continues to bring clarity and definition to my life, and nurture my healing heart.

Every encounter I had with Ed filled my heart with gentleness, and I always came away loving and appreciating him for helping me to see through softer eyes.  His thoughtful and guiding way of asking questions makes me, yet, long for that amazing skill in myself, and I tried to pay attention to that mannerism, so that I might nurture that quality in myself.  Ed was a great listener and teacher of life lessons for me.  I will always have a precious place in my heart where I hold my memories of him.  I am forever thankful for the rich detail, and intricate stitches Ed brought to the lace of my life.

After being surrounded by his large and loving family, Ed slipped gently and peacefully from this world and into the next, with his wife and daughter at his side.  While his presence will be deeply missed at family gatherings, his loving and gentle essence remains with all of us who are blessed to have counted him as family and friend.

A precious gem, sparkling, and radiant from a life that exposed and polished his many faucets, he is now set in the Crown of God.

My Last 10 Pounds

I have battled with my weight and body image all of my life.  I can remember as a child being the "chubby girl" and always being the last chosen for sport teams, usually utilized for keeping the numbers even.

I remember my mom trying to convince me that a piece of whole wheat bread, with little or no mayo, piled as high as I wanted with alfalfa sprouts was a filling sandwich! NOT!

I have always been a member of the clean plate club.  I have always eaten until I was stuffed.

Not always unhealthy food choices, but most certainly enormous portion control issues!  I struggle with that everyday, still.  I do not understand the psychology behind it.  I'm sure there is something!

But for the last 5 or more years, I have been able to keep off 50 pounds!  That is a lot of weight on a 5'2" (or less) frame. BUT, I have had that last ten pounds that just wants to linger, and I have not been fighting with it.  I have been trying to come to terms with it.  Accept it.  Make friends with it.  Understand it.  The number on a scale really does not matter too me entirely, I am certainly more concerned with the size of my jeans, and the overall health and fitness of my body.  I have come to understand that as my choices and patterns become healthier, the number on the scale will get where it needs to be.  I do not own a scale in my home.  Never have.  About 2 years ago, I knew it was time to step up to the next level, and get more fitness activity into my life on a regular basis.  We had a gym at the company I worked for, and I started going every day, for at least 30 minutes.

I bought a gym membership a bit more than a year ago as I was no longer with that company, and have made a regular practice of being at the gym, and working out, at lest 3 times a week for 30 minutes.  I do not work out hard as a general rule, as a condition with my hip does not always permit that, but the biggest thing for me is building the routine, and breaking a sweat!  Knowing that as I get stronger, and can eventually get the medical attention my hip needs, then I will be able to build on this basic routine.

Last Thanksgiving, I decided that for 2011, I wanted to get a bit more focused on that last 10 pounds.  I felt like the previous changes I ha made were solidified into my life style, and it's time to add some more.  Time to build the next little level.  I know all too well for my self that if I get too drastic, then it only lasts a couple of months, and if I make changes in little baby stages, then it is life changing! (This pretty much goes for everything, and not just diet and exercise!!).

Last night at the gym (the only scale other than my doctors that I take serious) .... I weighted in at 130pounds!  My current goal weight is 125, and my goal dead line is summer (but am hoping for March, because we are going to Hawaii!!).  I cried!  I have not seen a scale balance at that weight with me on it, in over 20 years!  Tears of self pride, and relief, and satisfaction flooded my heart!

The weight may not stay off totally, or all at once.  That seems to be the pattern for me over the last 5 or so years ... lose 5, gain 3, loose 3 gain 2 ... but in the long run, I am loosing the fat, and my muscles are getting stronger, and I am feeling healthier and more energetic!  I am not going to run any 5ks, or half or whole marathons like several of my friends ... my hip just will not allow that!  But I am going t go hiking more, and ride my bike more in the summer, and wear a bikini on the beaches of Hawaii!!  And I am going to continue on this slow building healthy process, because it makes me feel so good!

Because I want to LIVE WELL!
Love Suzi~Q

Regaining Control of my life, by Letting go of Controlling others

Control. Well, there is a heavy word.  No one wants things to be out of control!  Things that are out of control usually come to a crashing and screeching halt; there is damage, and chaos, and dismay.  Most humans thrive better with-in order than we do with-in chaos.  But who gets to decide what that order ought to be, and how far reaching it is to be?  My life and world were starting to cause me negative physical health symptoms.  I needed to have peace, and calm, and order in my life, and I began a campaign to create it.

Step 1, in the Co-dependent's Anonymous program says, "We admitted were were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."  That, at first glance was a no-brainer for me!

Long before I had ever even heard of Co-dependency, or even considered a 12-step recovery program for what was happening in my life, I knew that my life and my world were totally out of control.  I was stressed, and had developed a diagnosed anxiety disorder that I was being medicated for.  I had gained a lot of weight that I had no control over.  I had severe and often debilitating muscle pain in my neck and shoulders.  I had migraines.  I had insomnia.  I had high blood pressure.  I behaved hyper-actively.  I was controlled by fear.  But I was not at that time recognizing that those were symptoms of a far deeper, yet unidentified problem.

Part of the solution for me was was to orchestrate order into my life.  Of course, there were other human beings that were part of my life, so, in order for me to have my peace, and calm and tranquility, they had to be compliant with my plan.  And so began the "training" process.  My fear drove me.  I was stressed, and often acted out harshly against those closest to me, namely my children.  My standards were high, and I demanded the best people were capable, rarely settling for less.

I did not want to be in control!  But I desperately needed things to be in control. And if they were not, and no one else was stepping up to the plate, then I would.  It was for my own security, my own peace of mind, and the betterment of others ... so I told myself.

But really, how did this benefit me?  The other participants balked, and fought against me and complained, and still went about their own path, causing me even more chaos, and distress, and anxiety, and discord. The more I was willing to take control, the less the others had to.

I felt powerless.  I felt trapped by the irresponsibility of another.  I felt hopeless.  I was in despair, and depression.

Until I realized that I had to release that other person, totally.  I had to stop being responsible for that person.  I did not have to provide a platform for that person to cause me grief, and hardship, and additional effort.  I could honestly, and freeingly, release that person to make their own choices, and path, and figure out how to make it work for them.  It did not have to be on my shoulders, or my dime, or my time, any more.

I was liberated, empowered.  I could see a clearer, healthier path, at that point in my heart and mind, though not yet in my physical life.  I could see the path to being a free spirit again ... the cage door had been opened so that I could fly when I was strong enough.  That was not instantaneous, it was, and in some ways, still is, a growth process.

And still the growth process is happening for me, and I am faced everyday with new challenges in opening my heart, and building my courage, and sharing my story.

My hope is that through my sharing, I continue to be empowered myself, and you are encouraged to be so, as well!

Live Well!
Love Suzi~Q

Grieving Lost Dreams

I always wanted to be a mommy. A wife.  A homemaker.  I did have interests for a career outside the home if necessary, either a nurse, or a teacher.  But I really wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to build memories of laughing and playing.  I wanted to teach my children to be creative and to take care of them selves, and their own families some day.  I wanted to teach them, and to have some kind of home based business so that we could earn and learn together.  To create a home community that was nurturing, and fun.  I wanted us to have family and friends that we could have backyard BBQ's with, and camp with in the summer, and spend the holiday evenings with.

I'm afraid that I let that desire, that mental picture, cloud my decisions as a young woman.  I made decisions that took me on a fast track to what seemed would be that end, but as we learn as we grow older, things that happen quickly often do not have longevity.

Now, to be fair.  There is much of this dream that came to fruition!  I have three beautiful children, that are now grown, and my daughter is married to a wonderful young man with a healthy family of origin.  I was able to homeschool my kids for 8 years, which was a wonderful experience as far as I am concerned, despite my many mistakes, and high stress approach at times.  All of my children could plan and cook and clean-up a basic meal for the family by the time they were ten years old, and to this day are all wonderful cooks.  They can all sew, knit, & crochet.  They can all run power tools, and do home repairs.  They can all change the oil on their own cars, and do many vehicle repair and maintenance jobs.  Now, not all of that is my teaching specifically, but what I did not know how to teach myself, there were plenty of people in our circles that could fill in the gaps!  Including their father, at times (more on that later), and grandfather, and uncle.  There are many wonderful memories.

But due to the choices of another person, these life-styles had to change, and rather rapidly, and I ended up in the mainstream work force, and my kids were in public school.  We tried to make the best of it.  Tried to be flexible, and just roll with it.  And many good and wonderful experiences came of that time as well.  There were also many deeply painful trials for us to grow through, and that will always be the case.  We learned a lot as a little family team.  We had to rely on each other, which had the effect at times of both bonding, and driving a wedge.

I did not at the time, have the liberty of really recognizing that I was deeply grieving the loss of my dreams.  Described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, the 5 stages of grief have become relatively commonly known, and as we as a culture have come to understand these stages of grief, we also have come to see that they apply to many different types of loss, and not just as related to physical death.  I recognize now that I became stuck for years at a time, and sequentially in the first 4 (DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION) of the 5 stages (the last being ACCEPTANCE).  What a relief it was for me to finally reach acceptance!  There are more current writings and understandings that suggest that there are 7 stages of grief: 1. SHOCK & DENIAL, 2. PAIN & GUILT, 3. ANGER & BARGAINING, 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS, 5. THE UPWARD TURN, 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH, 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE.

So many years later, I still have short pangs of anger, and depression when memories spring up in my mind.  But I can see them through clearer eyes now.  I don't have to hold onto that pain any more.  It does not stab as deeply into my heart as it used to. I no longer feel so much guilt for the choices I made.  I do still feel sadness for the lifetime of "issues" that my children will have to carry, and deal with in their own lives, but at the same time recognize that we all have childhood issues that we have to learn to accept.  And since my children are of good character in their souls, I can expect to watch them grow and mature into wonderful adults, despite the efforts of their childhood upheavals.  I believe that we will be better people; more empathetic, more thoughtful, more resourceful, more generous, BECAUSE of what we have experienced as a family!

As you think about the things in your past that have shaped you, and your children, and your families; let the grief run it's course.  Honor that process, and allow yourself to grow from it.  As the line from a song in "Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang" says, "Up from the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success"!!

Live and love your life, because of, not in spite of, the challenges you have been through!

Love,

Suzi~Q

Fidget ... A Pot Scrubber Pattern!

June 2015

This project is now available for you in Kindle Format 

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Scrubby Pattern on Kindle

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Live Well
Love Suzi~Q

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