Saturday, April 30, 2011

Serenity & Solitude

Bright and early this morning, JQ picked me up.  Off to Lake Armstrong for opening day of trout fishing.  His daughter and youngest son joined us.  It was over cast, and a bit chilly, but a really pleasant and serene morning out on the lake.

Two hours of quietly gliding around the little lake; saying nothing; listening to the sound of the breeze in the trees and the very few birds chirping away.  We saw only one eagle gliding over to land in one of the trees along the east shore.  I was listening to the thoughts in my head.  Trying to listen to the feelings in my heart.

God:  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference!

What is this sadness that seems to be filling me these recent days?  What is this veil that separates my heart and mind from each other?  It has always been there really.  Many many times I have made the comment that my heart and mind were arguing with each other.  The two rarely seem to be on the same page for most of the last fifteen years or so.  Do I need more quiet alone time to discover my true authentic self?  Or less?  Would I know my true authentic self if I met her?  Perhaps she will introduce herself?  Is she more of the quiet side of me?  Or the loud busy side of me?  Is she both?  Is that possible?  Perhaps this is a part of the process as the veil thins, and my heart and mind become reacquainted with each other.

There came a point when it was far less painful to blossom than to stay tight in the bud.  Perhaps patience with who I am right now is more important to letting my true authentic self emerge, much like the slow opening of a blossom ... it cannot be rushed!  The flower's true beauty will be revealed at it's own pace, and at each stage of progression, not just at full bloom.  Enjoying each unfolding of the petals.

We don't have to go through things alone.  Like the man in the boat across from us fishing with his dog.  really, what use is the dog here?  He cannot handle the net to scoop up the fish at the end of his master's line.  he cannot row the boat, or direct and steer the boat with the motor.  He cannot refill his owner's coffee cup, or pass him a sandwich.  They will not engage in bantering conversation, or even decide who is driving home.  The dog is simply a companion.  They communicate; they understand each other; they love each other unconditionally.

I have begun anew this week, with a counselor that I have seen before.  There is much room to grow; much room to blossom; much to mend; much to discover; much to heal.  I hope that this time, I have the resources to continue with her care and guidance for an extended period of time, so that the blossom can turn to sweet juicy fruit!

Wishing you Peace and Serenity today, as you blossom into Living Well!

Friday, April 29, 2011

I might as well LAUGH!!

How can something so cute, be such a mischievously destructive pain in the butt??  These are my son's cats, Oly and Skittles.  I am taking care of them while he is away at school.  They bring me so much extra work, they shed huge piles of fluffy white fur on my navy blue carpet .... BTW ... who in their right mind puts navy blue carpet in an apartment???  But really, I do love that I can do this for my son, so he can get a good education so he can do what he needs to do to support his future!

So the challenge I was given for today was to laugh.  Which I need to do.  April 2011 has been very challenging for me in so many ways.  It  has been the month for heart challenging relationship issues, both good and not so good, with family, and friends, and even co-workers.  Things have been breaking and in need of repair, and I have even had some health issues that have required antibiotics!  Crazy, emotionally taxing, financially draining, relationship straining month!  Glad tomorrow is the last day ... I have very high hopes for MAY 2011!!

This is Oly (the Himalayan looking one) and Skittles, the orange one, we are trying to watch a movie ... can you tell??

One day I tossed their toys in the bathtub while I was vacuuming, and they sure thought that was a fun game!  They could bat those little jingle balls around, and they came right back!

Oly gets right comfy on the back of the couch in the sunshine!

They have figured out how to open kitchen cupboards, and have spread noodles all over the place ... as well as a bag of dried navy beans one day!

They have figured out how to open the pantry cupboard and several times now they have spread all of the plastic bags all over the kitchen ... this time they knocked the doors off the tracks.
Just this week they have knocked over and broke my antique floor lamp and cleared off a window sill, breaking some little glass objects that were a gift from my aunt.

What else am I going to do, but laugh??  They have at times been locked in the bathroom for "kitty time out", but it rarely has the learning impact on them that I have intended.

So I laugh ... well, today I laugh .... Other days I cry.. Still other days I sigh .... 
But always i am thankful that I can help my son, and support him in what he needs to do ... which would be finish school and take his cat's home to his house =) (laughing out loud!!!)

Love you all to pieces!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Keeping Sight of my Blessings

There have been a lot of time and energy consuming and stressful things going on in my life the last several weeks. Some big, like my daughters miscarriage.  Some small, like I have not had internet connection at home for a week and a half.  My washing machine is broken, and the light switch in my bathroom burned out.  I need to fill out some legal paperwork, and I have some personal and learning curve challenges at work.  I am fostering my son's cats while he is away at school, and one of them is quite a handful, and gets into lots of things!  I need to see about a second source of income.  I'm coming to the end of my youngest kids kite string.  Lots of "things" that just need my attention, and are challenging me to maintain my good attitude without letting the stress rule me.

But my attitude is my attitude.  I get to decide how it feels!  It does not belong to the stressful situations in my life.  I recently signed up and have been doing the daily challenges from and have been really enjoying it!  I would encourage you to try it out!  They are all pretty simple things to do, and a lot of them you are likely already doing!

Yesterday's challenge was to share a nice picture.  AWESOME!!  Since I'm a photographer, I have tons of nice pictures.  The challenge would be choosing one for this assignment!  NOW, while I started to do this on time yesterday, I did not get to finish, since my internet at home has not been working properly!  So I am finishing it this evening, and today's challenge as well (which is to dance around while cleaning or organizing! Totally got that done without even trying, cause I'm always dancing and moving!)!

So, this is the nice picture I have chosen to share!  It is a rare picture of all 3 of my kids, and my son-in-law, together, with me!!  It was the day I graduated from Medical Assisting school!  To me it is a nice picture because I have all of my kids there witnessing their mom, who went back to college at the age of 40, graduate with honors (Yes, I know one of my kids is purposefully hiding his face behind my hat! He is a stubborn and challenging guy that way).  The lesson I wanted to give my kids ... See ... don't give up your dreams.  Don't stop learning.  Don't ever think you are done, or too old.  There is always more!  You can always change your direction!  It was as a proud day for me.  Not only because I celebrated my educational accomplishments, but because I showed my kids that their mom is open to adventure, and not going to be a victim of her circumstances.  Proud because all of my wonderful kids were with me!

What makes you proud of yourself?
What goal can you take steps toward accomplishing?
What are you currently working toward?

Love to get your comments and feed-back!

Live Well,

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Unbounded Love

It is amazing to me, the vast and unbounding ability of my heart to feel deeply.  The more deeply I allow myself to feel joy, the more deeply I open myself up to pain, which has the effect of further expanding my ability to feel everything!

April 1, 2011, my daughter went into pre-term labor and was hospitalized … in her new home town, 850 miles away from me!!  So, I bought a plane ticket as fast as I could, and flew from Seattle to Billings to be with her, but not quite in time.

Too tiny and amazingly precious, James Peter Hicks entered this world, and left us just as quickly.  My grandson.  A precious and beautiful gift, his presence, though brief, created a new depth to my ability to feel.  His departure created even more depth.

Her husband and I stayed in the hospital room with her.  Trying to sleep.  Walking the halls.  Hugging, laughing, crying, sitting in silent prayer.  We took turns holding James. Touching his precious tiny fingers and toes.  Kissing his beautiful round head. Being amazed at the creation of life.  Me being amazed at how beautiful and graceful my broken-hearted daughter has grown to be!

The hospital staff was wonderful, and created a beautiful memory box that includes impressions of his hands and feet pressed in plaster, and the traditional hand and foot ink print on paper.  My daughter took several pictures with her cell phone, but my heart breaks that I did not bring my camera.  Me.  The family photographer at a major family event without my camera.  I cannot beat myself up over this, but it sure is an important lesson for me to come away with!

I now have the beautiful opportunity to practice just being present with my daughter.  I can’t fix her heart.  I cannot offer wisdom.  I can only love her, and hold her and be present if she thinks of something that she would like from me.  Last night we laid, snuggled up, on the air mattress I’m sleeping on in her in-law’s basement.  I held my grown daughter, with her head on my chest, listening to her Mommy’s heart beating.  Reconnecting.  Being present together in the moment.  Loving.  Hurting.  My silent tears wetting her hair.

Healing will come for her and her husband.  It did for me when I lost a baby 20 years ago.  It is my hope, my prayer, and my encouragement toward them, that they will grow stronger together as a couple because of this experience.  That they might be used of God some day because of this experience.  That they will come to the comforting understanding that they are not alone, and that they are so deeply loved by so many people.  Not the least of which is The Mommy!

That they will
Live Well,
Love Suzi~Q