Many might ask, "Why in the world would someone leave the best paying job they have ever had?" This was not a decision that I came to suddenly, or lightly. It is not just me that is impacted by this decision! My husband and I have financial goals, and that job had us WELL on our way to achieving them with in 3 years!
But everyday I was crying on my way home from work. I felt like a useless cog in a massive industrial machine. I was tired and burned out and unable to feel creative and in-touch with myself during my few non-work hours. I was not connecting with my husband, my friends, or my (grown) kids and grand kids!
I was "missing it" !
Some say life is too short ... But really, life is TOO LONG to spend it being miserable! Here is a letter I wrote to my husband in July that expresses just a small bit of the heart ache that I was battling every day of what ended up being 19 months of my life ...
"Last night
you asked, "So, how are you really doing with your work situation?" I was vague,
but did have more positive things to share than I have had in a while. But, when
I say "My day was just fine" each time you ask about my work day, I'm really
just trying to convince myself and I'm pretending to "protecting" you from my
work stress, as you have enough of your own. If I don't talk to you about it, I
can just keep pretending I can keep doing this. But that isn't how it should be
and I need to be more open with you about it. But then I often end up feeling
like I'm dumping, then I feel like we end up talking about nothing but our work
situations :(
I feel guilty for feeling discontented when I have a good job, and I make more money than I have ever made in my life! Today is payday, and when I looked at my pay stub, my gross year to date at the 6 month mark, is (more than I have made in a full year previously). This is no small change. I feel more financially secure than I ever have, but at the same I am not happy with my employment. This is such an ugly and selfish and ungrateful feeling and I feel like a wretch for even feeling it! I am thankful for the finances! We are making good choices about how we are using our money, and we are paying down our debts solidly and putting money in savings! And I keep pep-talking myself that I can do this, I can find my satisfaction in that ... that's how I am ... as long as there is outstanding debt to pay down, I am in bondage to the paycheck.
So, really, it's a constant battle in my head. I like many of my co-workers, I like many of my tasks, and appreciate when I get to have some variety in my day, I like my paychecks. I dislike the relative chaos and disorganization of the way this company operates. I hate feeling under-utilized. I miss being able to be creative and nurturing. I know it doesn't have to be forever. Some days feels like forever.
I feel guilty for feeling this way ... even though they are honest and legitimate feelings.
So, I just say, "My day was just fine." because it helps me to stand separated from the mischmash of negative feelings and stand more in touch with the positive aspects of my job."
I feel guilty for feeling discontented when I have a good job, and I make more money than I have ever made in my life! Today is payday, and when I looked at my pay stub, my gross year to date at the 6 month mark, is (more than I have made in a full year previously). This is no small change. I feel more financially secure than I ever have, but at the same I am not happy with my employment. This is such an ugly and selfish and ungrateful feeling and I feel like a wretch for even feeling it! I am thankful for the finances! We are making good choices about how we are using our money, and we are paying down our debts solidly and putting money in savings! And I keep pep-talking myself that I can do this, I can find my satisfaction in that ... that's how I am ... as long as there is outstanding debt to pay down, I am in bondage to the paycheck.
So, really, it's a constant battle in my head. I like many of my co-workers, I like many of my tasks, and appreciate when I get to have some variety in my day, I like my paychecks. I dislike the relative chaos and disorganization of the way this company operates. I hate feeling under-utilized. I miss being able to be creative and nurturing. I know it doesn't have to be forever. Some days feels like forever.
I feel guilty for feeling this way ... even though they are honest and legitimate feelings.
So, I just say, "My day was just fine." because it helps me to stand separated from the mischmash of negative feelings and stand more in touch with the positive aspects of my job."
This is a very intimate look at what was happening for me. I had starting feeling this way about my job about 3 months into it, and I stuck with it, trying different things for 19 months, before I finally had to decide ...
Please don't misunderstand me. We all have to make money to survive. We have to have money to may the rent or the mortgage, and buy groceries and such! I am very thankful and blessed that I have the support,and the resources to make this long time dream come true! And I do not want to take one moment of it for granted!
So, what's with the part about the giant crochet hook??? Well, when we went on our honeymoon cruise to Alaska, we went to a yarn shop in Skagway, and int he window they had 6 foot long knitting needles, and I told my husband that when I had my yarn shop, I was going to need a GIANT crochet hook for my window. Now. I have my yarn shop, and this morning, a total surprise to me, my husband presented me with a giant crochet hook, that he made, for me, because he loves me that much! <3 and="" creative="" font="" he="" just="" s="" supportive="" that="" thoughtful="" wonderful="">
And now, he is getting into the act! He is building furniture, and repairing antiques and reinventing salvaged items into new furniture pieces that are being used as display pieces in the shop while they are also for sale! So our little shop is becoming a creative outlet for both of us! :)
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Because creating is an amazing way to share our selves with others.
Because participating in a creative community encourages and inspires others to create!
And that is
Living Well!
Love,
SuziQue
P.S. Don't
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